Love is a powerful and empowering force. Many abuse survivors either search for it with relentless determination or insist that they don't want it and don't need it. Of course, everyone wants and needs love - whether we acknowledge that or not. The truth is that you're broken hearted. That's the impact of abuse - it breaks your heart. Your terror of being vulnerable to another person can create tremendous conflict with your terror of being hurt. It's one of the great dilemmas in navigating how you relate to people as you move beyond abuse.
If you find love, it's wonderful - whether that comes from a lover, a friend, a child, a parent, or a pet - it's wonderful. Love is a healing agent. When you are loved, it can soothe wounds. But there are two sides to love - receiving it and giving it. One you have control of - one you don't.
The fact is - you can't demand love. It is meaningless if it isn't freely giving. Of course, people can go through motions that appear to be love - but if it's a performance, if it's obligatory - it's meaningless. You know it and so does the actor. For an abuse survivor, unauthentic going-through-the-motions relationships are devastating. There's a familiar ring to that kind of toxicity - it hurts. It appears to work for others, but you're not included. Relationships of obligation are not going to provide much healing for your broken heart. They may actually break it a bit more. Again, these are things you have little control over. You can become more demanding - insisting that others do things that look like love, but that will often create greater rage or sorrow within you. Take a deep breath - you can't require people to genuinely love you.
The other side of love - giving it - is something you DO have control of. Let me be very clear - giving love is NOT IN ANY WAY the same thing as being a DOORMAT or a VICTIM. Giving love requires looking beyond yourself - beyond your own perspective. Giving love requires you to consider how your words and actions impact others. When you love in a way that reflects Christ's teachings, you value peace and justice. You discard the winner-loser mentality. You find an inner strength that incubates greatness - not ego-inflating greatness - true greatness worthy of one who follows Christ. Then you become an adult who establishes boundaries, practices kindness for the sake of being kind, and enlarges your world-view to include others.
Compassion and kindness. Gentleness and respect. Patience and peace. These are the internal benchmarks of one who has learned to love. When you love - you are empowered. When you love - using the model of Christ's life - you are stronger than your abusers and stronger than your abuse. You turn and go in a direction that is the complete opposite of abuse. You move beyond abuse when you live beyond the perversion of "love" and betrayal of trust that shattered you.
To give love mysteriously translates into a healing force in YOUR life. It is a cosmic, grand, and sacred transformation that may or may not be noticed or reciprocated - but that's not the point. The point is that your demanding love almost guarantees that you'll never have enough - never receive what you so desperately want or need. Giving love is something that the Spirit of God slowly, gently, and respectfully massages into your broken heart until those wretched spasms of abuse's damage cease. Gradually and ever so empowering, you emerge strong enough to give love without victimizing yourself or others. That is healing love - and it looks NOTHING like abuse or abusers.
Hi Sallie,
ReplyDeleteGod is good, I have just recently wrote a comment on your fragile blog( I,m actually reading the blogs in the wrong order), but it was an insight to the confusion around the anger I have been feeling with regards to my children and the frustration that nothing seems to please me. they most of the time cannot get it right enough(in my eyes. This hold true with my husband as well, to some extent. I have noticed the increase in these feeling has increased more as my children are growing. I love them so much, and try to provide the best, go out of my way for them to give them every oportunity they can have that I could not, and I can clearly see how really I just want there Love so bad, and that I cannot make them love me( although they do show me in so many ways). It makes sense that as young children they show you there love so easy but as they grow they tend to tell you less and I can see just how that has been changing me. I can see how it will never be enough to fill that void. To have control over the way I show love and expect nothing back, (that is so opposite of how I grew up ) can release me from this destructive Love I am giving now. Thanks you for such insight, I am in tears writing this because I so want to Love with the Love Gods wants me too and to feel His wonderful Love back through the people around me, God bless your willingness to help a broken soul
thank you