It Takes A Village

There is a saying that "it takes a village to raise a child." As a parent and a grandparent - I must say that I totally agree! Every child needs a large community of caregivers, teachers, spiritual directors, mentors, trainers, coaches, medical professionals, protectors, and adversaries if he or she is to grow with balance into a mature adult.

Yes - I included adversaries in this village of influencers. Just for clarification - adversaries are not the same as abusers. Without adversaries, one will never truly mature. Adversaries prepare each person for a world that does not revolve around you. Adversaries teach you to fine tune your ability to discern. They help you to understand the perspectives of others and establish boundaries for yourself. Adversaries help you to think through who and what you are, and how to articulate that to others. When you experience opposition, you can use that resistance to become stronger. In many ways, adversaries are like strength training for your character. However, if a child or adult finds too many adversaries in the village, it can have almost the opposite effect - it can be incredibly destructive.

For an abuse survivor, the village that shaped you may have included some very toxic people that harmed you, tore you down, and shattered a healthy self-image. What is interesting is how we then grow into adults that find ourselves in a village that is often just toxic. You may continue to be completely immersed in a village of people who tear you down, shatter your heart, fail you regularly, and do not nurture, appreciate, protect, or challenge you. The names and faces from your dysfunctional childhood village may have changed, but the baton of toxic dynamics have been passed on to others who now surround you.

Abuse recovery is as much about being re-parented as anything else. You must re-learn healthy ideas about yourself, others, and God. You must undo the self-sabotaging thoughts and the lies that feel like the truth. You must learn to play, to laugh, to sing, to sleep, to trust, to fight, and to love in new ways. There will have to be a re-working of the ideas and experiences that shattered the child within you so that your broken inner child can finally grow up - grow into a healthy adult.

If you find that the "village" you are in is one that will not help you to re-parent yourself, then you might want to consider building another village. This does not mean that you walk away from your existing relationships - from your existing village. It means that you begin to gradually include others in your village - people who will help you to re-parent your broken inner child. In other words, you must expand your village. Obviously this is easier said than done, but it is an idea worth serious consideration and effort.

Some people enlarge their villages by finding a healthy faith community. Others return to school or join a support group or take up a new activity (like bicycling or painting). The point here is that you expand your village by expanding your contact with healthier people. If you hang out at the local tavern and everyone in your life is a dysfunctional alcoholic, then perhaps you can enlarge your village with a walking or running club. If your faith community is one filled with bitter gossip and harsh judgment, then perhaps you can enlarge your village by going to a community Bible study or book discussion group. If your intimate relationships are angry and toxic, perhaps you can enlarge your village by joining a gardening group or a poetry group. Enlarge your village by volunteering with organizations that you care about, causes that concern you, and programs that build up people.

Read. Listen. Watch. Open your mind, heart, and spirit to the possibilities of re-arranging your village. You don't destroy the current village that you have in one atomic swoop, but you do strategically work to expand your village incrementally with healthier people, stimulating activities, and purposeful involvement with nurturing relationships. The reality of your abuse recovery is that you need another village - a kind, grand, and gracious village - to help raise you into a healthier adult. This can include caregivers, teachers, spiritual directors, mentors, trainers, coaches, a medical team, protectors, and yes - adversaries who will help you to become strong.