Resolution: No Resolution

Abuse survivors tend to be people who actually think they should eat the whole elephant at one time! Unrealistic expectations are often directed not only at others, but at yourself, too. Perfection is a wretched task master, as you probably know. You either work yourself to death trying to achieve it, or you're so overwhelmed that you never even try. Either extreme is remarkably unhealthy for you.

At this time of year, the bar of unrealistic expectations is set particularly high. We've just finished Christmas - a holiday marked mostly by marketing as far as what it is supposed to be - perfect tree, perfect family, perfect food, perfect clothes, perfect body . . . perfect nonsense! But wait! There's more! Now we're looking at a new year - an artificial click of the clock that makes what happened at 11:59 pm different than what happens at 12:01 am. You'll be bombarded by weight loss programs, make-over’s for your kitchen and your wardrobe, challenges to pray more and read your Bible more, to improve your credit score, and on and on and on.

But I'd like to bombard you with this thought: How about no resolution for your New Year's Resolution? What would happen if you chuckled at the pressure to change something suddenly and walked away with a knowing-smile - aware that true change takes place reasonably, realistically, and rationally. Not happy with your weight? Then strive to make your next meal healthier - just your next one! You never know, you might decide to do the same thing for the one after that and the one after that, which might lead to a healthier weight. Want to be more familiar with the Bible? Then read a section today, and then meditate on it until it means something to you. You never know, you might read the next section and then the next, which might lead to a deeper understanding of the Scriptures. Want to remodel your kitchen? Change the light switch cover and maybe the cabinet pulls and THEN see how you feel about a project of that magnitude.

If you set the bar so high that you'll never achieve it, then you become discouraged and either quit or feel like a failure or drive yourself nuts. New Year's Resolutions are fine if they're reasonable and realistic. Abuse survivors can often see them as "all or nothing" decisions, and that's not good for you or anyone else. I'm still learning this in my own journey. I have to deliberately choose to stay in this moment - to celebrate when I accomplish a goal, such as eating a healthy meal or savoring moments with family and friends. So here's my New Year's Resolution: No Resolution! Consider that for yourself, too. Happy New Year! Woohoo!!

Prepare The Way

And now, May Christ escort you with abundant love, extravagant purpose, and deep comfort. May you flourish, grow, and mature beyond all of your wounds. When you find yourself in darkness, remember that your Guide sees clearly the path that you should take. May you find balance, respect, kindness, and healing. May you celebrate the wondrous being that you are and celebrate that wonder in others, too. And now, these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:14).

Eternal Connection

Think about your beginnings - your earliest, earliest memories - and then try to remember YOU before that. Can you consciously remember the moment YOU became YOU? For that matter, even if you are facing death at this moment, you still have this inner sense that you'll somehow continue on in another form or in another dimension. It's a mystery that you might be able to explain scientifically . . . "when an egg and sperm unite, a human being is born . . . when the body ceases to function, a human being dies. . ." but your own personal reality is perceived in a different way. You've always been. Now there may be others who were there the day you were born, or who may be present at the end of your life - but you experience yourself as one who is eternal. Formed in the image of God, you are a spiritual being whose origins are connected to an eternal Creator.

Living as we do – confined to a body, to time and space – is a lot like a bird who suddenly flies into a tunnel, confined and unable to soar. Essentially, we slip into this life through a tunnel of flesh and bone, blood and nerves, where we remain until we find our way back out of the tunnel and into the open. When Jesus confined himself to this same tunnel with us, he brought a light with him. Unlike you and me, Christ never lost awareness of his divine identity, of his true self. The rest of us have lived in the tunnel and forgotten that we are sons and daughters of God.

There are times in our tunnel that the dark, damp places are terrifying. There are times when we look around and honestly believe this is all that there is. There are also times when we see markings on the tunnel walls of those who have gone before us and we learn, perhaps even turning back to help those who progress behind us in the tunnel. Nevertheless, for right now, that tunnel is all we know as "normal." And yet, we all push toward something beyond the tunnel. I think it's hope . . . desperate, desperate hope and longing for home.

I think the way most of us live resembles how I feel when I'm in a New York City subway trying to use my cell phone. The connection is either inconsistent or non-existent. To get a good connection, I will have to find a good signal. That's like our perpetual pushing - the spiritual pushing that has propelled us through the tunnel in search of mystery and hope. It implies that we instinctively know there is a signal somewhere. In our tunnel we bump around in the dark, lifting up our tiny little spiritual cell phones, hoping to catch a signal.

Love it or hate it, the world knows that right now, it's Christmas. This is the time Christians have designated to celebrate the moment that God entered the tunnel with us. Christ - the Light of the world - came to be our Light in this dark tunnel, showing us the way to reconnect with our eternal, sacred selves, created in the image of God - beings so shimmering, that God was willing to live in the tunnel with us for a season, so that we could discover true Light and follow Him beyond the tunnel.

"In him (Jesus) was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."John 1:4-5

Rituals

The word "ritual" can have a very traumatic meaning to childhood abuse survivors. Let's face it - for many of us, there was certainly a ritual - a routine - that set up the grooming and the abuse scenario. Those rituals are part of the complex layers that make abuse recovery so challenging. Sometimes these routines are also associated with larger religious or cultural rituals - such as holidays. That's why holidays can feel so depressing or chaotic, and produce such high levels of anxiety or panic.
Personally, I've worked hard and come a long, long way in my journey beyond childhood sexual abuse, and yet I sat in church recently and was bombarded with flashbacks. I had to quickly pick up my recovery tools and go to work unraveling why these flashbacks hit me with such strength at that particular moment. After a few minutes, I recognized that it had to do with the way this particular church was decorated and the songs being sung. Once I clearly saw this association, I was able to speak the truth to those flashbacks and remind myself I was not a child being groomed. I was an adult, sitting in a beautifully decorated church, hearing wonderful music of hope and light.

That's the power of ritual. You know what is happening, you know what is going to happen, you know the routine. I believe that part of personal empowerment to help you move beyond abuse comes through reclaiming the power of ritual. Rituals can be powerful and comforting. The rituals of church liturgy and music, of graduations and weddings, and yes . . . the rituals of holidays, can be deep and profound for you. Even frivolous rituals like pep rallies before a ball game or brushing your teeth before bedtime can bring joy and anticipation. Rituals are powerful because they prepare you for events and they structure how that event is experienced in known and predictable ways. Rituals are also powerful because they can be shared experiences with others.


This Christmas, take the time to create new rituals or embrace familiar ones that will prepare your heart and your life for the celebration of the Prince of Peace. Your rituals don't have to be like those of others - but can be practices and routines that are meaningful to YOU. I don't know what those will be for you, but I DO know this: rituals do not belong exclusively to negative or traumatic experiences. You can reclaim the beauty of rituals by making your practices and routines a part of your spiritual and cultural celebrations. Prepare, enjoy, and savor what makes you happy, what connects you to God, what fortifies precious relationships, and what reminds you of hope and joy.

For me, Christmas rituals that are meaningful include going to our hometown Christmas parade, watching movies I've seen a hundred times before, listening to music, worshiping at church, and eating Chinese food on Christmas day on paper plates. Now . . . what rituals do YOU need to incorporate into your routine to reclaim this season (and to reclaim your life) as your very own - to be anticipated, celebrated, and savored?

p.s. Oh yeah - I almost forgot one more! Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Christmas Christmas Time is Here!" is also a highly revered ritual sing-a-long, as long as we sing it in "chipmunk voices." Ho! Ho!! Ho!!!

Seeing Others Through Your Own Eyes

Ever wonder why you're so distrustful? So possessive? Is it possible that you see others not as they are - but as YOU are? Is it possible that your childhood abuse experiences have completely clouded an accurate assessment of what motivates others?

These are difficult things to consider and will require a great deal of honesty from you. In fact, to truly assess how deeply abuse impacts your interpretation of others may cause you to see things that must be changed within yourself. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've seen ugliness in me that rocked my world. I've had to take my own mask off and recognize who put it there and why I kept it there. It has been messy for me a few times, but I've found that as difficult as honest introspection is, to remain unchanged is even more painful.

Let's take the issue of trust, for example. Anyone who experiences abuse - particularly childhood sexual abuse - has known devastating violation of trust. Broken trust, and its subsequent impairment of one's ability to trust, can color every single relationship you have. I'm going to write this as carefully as I know how to - and hope I make myself clear. There is something deep within many abuse survivors that not only distrusts others, but causes you to distrust yourself, too. My abuse called into question (in my own mind) my ability to accurately judge a situation, to effectively know who was good and who was not, to believe in my own worth and value.

So if I do not believe I have much value, then I'm going to view anyone who is drawn to me with great suspicion. If I don't honestly think I have good judgment, then I'm going to be in a state of perpetual second guessing when it comes to people who are near me. This can translate into very chaotic relationships with those you are close to - because at some level, you're expecting them to betray you. It can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you push and pull - trust and suspect, embrace and push away.

Possessiveness is a close cousin to the trust issue. Again, the thinking is the same. You're not sure that you're accurately judging a situation or reading the motivation of others. Because abuse has damaged the value you believe you have, you secretly wonder if those you care about value you, either. Trust is terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. It implies people are free to stay, but also free to leave. Because your terror of not being cherished is so overwhelming, you clutch and smother and stalk and question the very people you hope will love you freely. To let them make that choice sends shock waves of panic through you. At the same time, you don't believe you are valuable enough to cherish, so you push away anyone who does. Why? Because you don't believe you are very desirable, not necessarily in a sexual way - but in a relational way, as one who has any value.

If your mind wanders from relationship to relationship, from person to person, experience to new experience - you assume everyone else thinks and believes this way about you - and thinks the way you think. You're afraid that you're just one more person in a long line of those who don't really matter - and you treat the ones you care for as if they believe about you, what you believe about yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are definitely people in your life who are not going to value you or be trustworthy. But I wonder how many abuse survivors sabotage relationships because we're projecting onto others what we see within ourselves. If you think you're disposable, you believe others think the same way about you. If you think you're sick and twisted, you believe others are, too. If you don't trust yourself and what motivates you, then you most likely don't trust the motives of others.

The great challenge for you is to unravel what you believe about yourself - how much you trust yourself and your motivations. Then consider that line of thinking and see if it is unfairly projected onto those people who are important to you. When you take the time to analyze your beliefs about yourself, then you can separate your thinking from the actions and beliefs of others. This gives you the opportunity to see people with a more accurate perspective. You are free to work on your own issues. They are free to be who they are - good or bad, trustworthy or not - you will see them with greater clarity. That translates into healthier relationships that you don't sabotage quite as often.