Toxic Jobs

Most people work. Some of us work for pay. Some of us volunteer. Some of us are not paid enough for what we do. Some are paid way too much for way too little. Whether you work for a large corporation or you work with one other person, there are going to be moments that can drive you to the edge of the cliff!

On a good day, many abuse survivors struggle to maintain healthy attitudes and functional relationships. On bad days - well . . . things can fall apart pretty easily. Your job can often be a particularly stressful environment where soured relationships make your life extremely difficult. What does your childhood abuse have to do with this? A lot!

Dysfunctional relationships often plague abuse survivors. There are many reasons for this. Because abuse distorts your perspective about people - their motives, their attitudes, their language, their temperament, even their appearance - you may live in a way that actually expects relationships to be difficult. Because abuse distorts how you view yourself, you have an inner dialogue going on that exaggerates fear, insecurity, rage, sexual cues, and negativity. Because abuse is always about power inequality, you may not respond well to supervisors or subordinates.

You may be the most competent person in your work environment, but if you are defensive, feel threatened, or have something to prove, it will impact how you relate to your colleagues. This is true whether you work at a fast food restaurant or a nuclear medicine facility. This is true whether you're a stay-at-home parent or a career work-a-holic.

Another factor may be how you choose your battles, and how you choose to fight them. Abuse changes the way you express your wants and needs. Most abuse survivors communicate either by silence and withdrawal, or by aggressive hostility. Not everything is worth a conflict, and at the same time, sometimes a conflict is in order.

Many years ago I took a job working in an office environment, the boss who hired me after a great interview turned into a tyrant within hours after I began. He was demeaning and hostile to me and everyone else. I was in shock at this toxic environment that unfolded at the first staff meeting. I had been working on recovering my voice, learning how to process experiences that upset me, and learning the difference between attacking and assertiveness.

Had I experienced this kind of toxic environment even a few years earlier, I would have internalized this and taken it home with me where it would have gone sideways on my family, my health, and my integrity. But, like I said, I had become a healthier person and decided to act like an adult. I asked to speak with this man and explained to him that I had every intention of giving this job 110%, but that I would not be spoken to or treated in the manner that he had just displayed toward me and my colleagues. I told him I expected to be treated in a professional way and that I planned to do the same. We were clear about boundaries from the beginning and - although we certainly had our struggles - I was able to be proactive and emotionally neutral in setting those parameters.

Don't get me wrong - I realize this isn't possible in every work environment or situation, and it's certainly not possible with every boss or every subordinate. But the challenge for you - if you find yourself in a toxic job - is to strategically plan to keep yourself healthy. To carefully measure how your work environment is given permission to poison your life. To build strategies into your life that will either give you a chance to eventually move on (such as going back to school) or give you a chance to recharge and regroup each day (such as doing deep breathing, reading books you love, playing sports, or participating in a faith community). People vary in how they function in toxic jobs. Sometimes, it's really as simple as approaching it from another perspective. Sometimes, it's as difficult as filing a complaint or going back to school for advanced training so you have more opportunities. Gandhi said, "No one can hurt me unless I let them." That sounds simplistic - and in many ways it is - but ultimately it is about how much power you are going to let others have in determining WHO you are and HOW you choose to respond to adversity.

I've been trapped many times in jobs that were just awful. Jobs where I was harassed and battered. Jobs where I wasn't paid (and I'm not talking volunteer jobs either!). Jobs that asked way too much and returned way too little. But the mark we strive for in work or play or life is measured by the words of Jesus. He said, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10). Toxic work environments require a strategy from you or you're going to get poisoned. Figure out how to wear an emotional and spiritual gas mask and flourish where you are. Don't settle for less than who you are, but don't impulsively shoot yourself in the foot either. There are many things in life you can't change. This is not about looking for greener grass (but if you have a chance to go to that meadow – do it!). How you live with that reality makes the difference between become healthier and stronger, and being filled with toxins that you give power to poison you.

Extreme Parenting

Whether it was physical, emotional, or sexual childhood abuse, if any of these happened to you when you were a child and now you have children of your own - it impacts what kind of parent you are. Most parents who are abuse survivors start out very committed to being a good mom or dad. Those good intentions tend to breakdown almost immediately. Your baby screams constantly, your toddler throws perpetual temper tantrums, your third grader hates everything you set on the table, your 14 year old is rebellious and strong willed.

In the big picture of being a parent - you have nothing but the best intentions. In fact, you may feel as if you're on a mission to do things very differently - to do things the right way - to give your kids what you never had. But high ideals and day-to-day living rarely work together. Parents with a history of childhood abuse are easily frustrated with their children. You may place such high expectations on your children (and on yourself as a parent) that no one can ever meet them. Because you may not really know what is normal for a child, you can feel completely threatened by your children's behaviors.

Developmentally, children are often aggressive and uncooperative. They are also sexually curious. Both of these are very normal. But for you - an abuse survivor - if your child is aggressive, you feel very threatened. In fact, you might feel so ill-prepared for normal mouthiness or disobedience that you have flashbacks of your own abuse. If your child is sexually curious about his or her own body, your body, or others, it feels perverted and disgusting. It is most likely just normal sexual curiosity that you can use as an excuse to discuss sexuality and how precious everyone's body is. You can help your children to respect their bodies, to be careful what they do in private and in public, and to understand the concept of boundaries. You can acknowledge that when they touch their bodies, it feels good. That's a much better reaction than to scream, think immediately that they've been molested, or shame them for exploring their bodies.

You feel powerless to handle this child who is just behaving like a normal child. That powerless taps deeply into how you experienced abuse - as a powerless person unable to control your abuser. This time, however, the shoe is on the other foot and you feel as if you’re almost back in that victim role. This, of course, isn't true - but this is what it feels like at some level inside you. When you feel threatened, you may lash out in a very extreme way to feel empowered - but because your reaction is so extreme, you can do damage to your child - to the relationship, and maybe even to that little one's body, mind, heart, and spirit. Then you feel ashamed, and you’re either acting like a victim or a tyrant.

I remember one occasion when my own children were very small. We were on a family camping trip and one of my children found a large rock to bring home. For reasons that just don't matter now, I said "no." We were having a great time, my children had been so good for the entire trip, our family was having fun camping, but that rock suddenly became intolerable to me. When I said "no," that set off an avalanche of "PLEEEEZZEE!!!! I WANT TO TAKE IT HOME! PU-LA-EEZZZ!" from my child. Suddenly, I wasn't talking to my child, I was re-fighting with my own childhood powerlessness and it blinded me with panic. I felt threatened that my instructions weren't being followed. I raised my voice, had a fit, and was about to take that rock and throw it into the woods when my husband said, "Um . . . we're camping . . . it's a rock . . . it's no big deal." It was like someone threw cold water in my face. What was wrong with me? No one was threatening me.

My child's camping souvenir was not a titan power struggle with me. It was a rock. We were camping. It was no big deal. Even now, to tell this - it sounds ridiculous and insignificant, but inside, I had a complete meltdown. It was so extreme, so ridiculous, and so inappropriate that I am still ashamed of myself.

We live in a culture that celebrates extremes. Extreme sports. Extreme vacations. Extreme food. Extreme homes. While some extremes may be entertaining, when it comes to parenting, extremes are usually not good for parent or child. Your children are just that - developing people who are going to do really crazy stuff. They're going to gross you out, embarrass you, break something you really love, and do the exact opposite of what you tell them to do. They're going to run through the house naked when your pastor is visiting. They're going to pick their nose in public. They're going to tell the teacher "you're ugly" and be disruptive. These are all things that must be shaped and molded with maturity, reasonable boundaries, consequences, and love. I am a strong advocate of teaching children to monitor themselves and live in a responsible and compassionate way. There's a big difference between that and being an extreme parent.

Extreme parents are never satisfied with their children. They set impossible standards and then punish their children and themselves when those standards are not met. Abuse survivors are often overwhelmed by fear, by feeling threatened and powerless. That is normal for you, and something that will require careful monitoring and strong accountability to others so that the cycles of abuse end with your own childhood.

One surprising emotion you may feel toward your children is jealousy. This is especially true if you've worked very hard to give them a good life. Because they don't have the same point-of-reference that you have - abuse - they just take it for granted that they're loved, protected, given opportunities that you never had, and experience childhood in ways you've only dreamed of. Honestly, isn't that just about the best compliment a parent can have - that their children assume its normal to be loved, nurtured, protected, and empowered to become mature, independent people?

That’s not extreme parenting. It’s normal parenting. It's a reasonable goal and one you can achieve.

Fragile

When you receive a package that says "fragile" on the outside, you understand that whatever is inside is to be handled with gentleness and care. The potential to break is great for whatever is inside. The sign on the box implies that the contents have value and that the handlers and recipients must treat that package accordingly.

Abusers treat a valuable being without gentleness or care. They take what is obviously precious and mishandle it. Every creature on this green Earth is precious. Not plant nor ocean nor air nor creature should be handled in a brutal or course way. That truth is even more weighted when a human being is concerned. Jesus said that people who harm children - vulnerable or small people - would be better off if they had a concrete block tied around their necks and thrown into the ocean. Jesus was highly opinionated about those who handle fragile people in harsh or course ways. His harshest judgments were reserved for people who hurt children or vulnerable people (Matthew 18:16, Luke 9:42).

It's ironic that abused children often become adults who continue to abuse – but they abuse themselves! The way life is lived - the choices you make - often reflect the same disregard for yourself that your abusers had. Except the one who does not honor the "fragile" notice is you.

The truth is - you have enormous value. You are precious and must be treated accordingly. It's always interesting that most of us would never tolerate being talked to or treated in the way we talk to or mistreat ourselves. Much of what crushes us today is how we think about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, how we handle ourselves.

Isn't it time to stop the destructive work of your abusers? Isn't it time to handle yourself with the care you should have experienced when you were small and vulnerable? Isn't it time that you stop acting like your abusers toward yourself and recognize the precious treasure that you are? Fragile - handle with care - those are instructions for you - to handle yourself!

Filters

"Perspective is everything." That's how the old saying goes, and it's absolutely true. How you view things is all relative to your own perspective - those filters through which you process information, ideas, beliefs, and actions. This truth is most apparent in relationships. There are no two people who will look at the exact same thing in the exact same way. Everyone brings their filters with them and it translates what you perceive and what others perceive.

Your filters are there for many reasons. Your economic and professional situation. Your spiritual beliefs and values. Your life experiences – both positive and negative. These filters all come to bear in how you experience and think about life. It's as if you have a pair of glasses on that dictate your focus and clarity, or fuzzy confusion! This is most apparent when you recognize the filter of abuse and how it impacts your worldview.

You see a person who looks a particular way, has a particular mannerism or profession or gender. If he or she is at all similar to your abuser, you'll see that individual through the filter of suspicion and even fear. You discover your child is exploring his or her sexuality. What that means to you is filtered through the experience of being sexually exploited. You don't achieve the success you worked so hard for at work or at school. This is filtered through your "I'm not good enough" filter. Your partner or friend is not everything you need or want. The “abandonment’ filter translates this into a relationship-busting catastrophe.

Filters are not fixed. They can be modified or even discarded. They can be measured against how others view or experience what is so problematic for you - not in order for you to compromise or betray yourself or your beliefs - but to understand the filters of others. Filters can become balanced if you challenge them. Some of your filters are good and very appropriate. Pay attention to them, because they're not all bad and they're not always wrong. Let's face it, if you've experienced abuse or exploitation, you have an elevated awareness that others don't have. Some people need to have more of that filter - which is often so clear to you.

Like a comfortable pair of glasses that you've been looking through for years, you may not even be aware that you're wearing them. Following that metaphor, sometimes you need to take those glasses off and see what you can on your own, perhaps clean the lenses and maybe even get another pair of glasses because your vision is changing. That's all part of becoming a healthier person.

There is instruction in the New Testament Bible, 1 John 4:1 that states: "do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to SEE whether they are from God." This idea is about challenging your filters. Testing what you think, believe, and see. Recognizing that there are many different perspectives that might merit the time and effort to explore. Your filter may be right on target. It may be way off. It may be changing. These are the joys of maturing and growing healthier - when you SEE that what you SEE may need to been SEEN through a new filter. Then again, your filter may be absolutely perfect! Now, isn't that clear?

I will appear on television this week:

NavPress, the publishing arm of the Colorado Springs based U.S. Navigators, announces Sallie Culbreth, author of No Longer Alone, will appear on A Time for Hope, a weekly Faith-Based Mental Health talk and interview television show designed to help people find hope and meaning in their lives on this week. Hosted by Dr. Freida Crews, her guests offer practical solutions to real life problems and challenge millions of viewers each week to put their hope in Jesus Christ for genuine peace, healing and recovery. Check http://www.timeforhope.com/schedule.asp for local and stations.This program will also be available on Time for Hope's website for several months.

Ebb and Flow

Something many abuse survivors do not anticipate is the nature of this journey. You make meteoric progress, notice real change and then - WHAM! You hit a wall and fall backwards. You substantially alter the way you treat your body and then one day you eat two bags of French fries. You place boundaries around yourself and gently enforce them with others, but then drop those safeguards entirely with a person you swore you'd never do that with again.

Two words: ebb and flow. This concept will save your sanity when everything you thought was a done-deal, a finished task, some real progress - comes back and slaps you in the face. It can be very discouraging if you're not prepared for it. If you are prepared, however, you recognize it for what it is: part of the process of living out change in the context of life.

It is normal to sprint out of the gate and think you can keep up this pace of doing it all RIGHT NOW! It is also normal to run out of energy after the first hundred yards! It is normal to go to a retreat or seminar and - sitting in that room - have great determination and a "can do" attitude. It is also normal to walk out of that building and have the breath knocked out of you by the enormity of the task. It is normal to read an article or a book and have everything spelled out so clearly that you completely know what to do and how to do it. It is also completely normal to have a brain-freeze within a matter of hours that leaves you convinced you never understood what in the world the author was writing about.

You get the idea - ebb and flow. If you're prepared for it, you won't be conquered by it. Think of the ocean's waves on a beach. They thunder in and they roll back out. It's a natural rhythm - a normal occurrence. It doesn't take anyone by surprise. I recently watched a program on television about tsunami waves in Hawaii. A tsunami wave is an enormous and destructive wave that originated far away from where it makes landfall. On this program, the scientist being interviewed said if tourists are on the beach and they notice the water from a wave abruptly receding back toward the ocean, they need to quickly get to higher ground. That abrupt withdrawing is a sure signal that a tsunami is on the way at any moment.

Your ebb and flow is going to be rhythmic and easy most of the time. You take a few steps forward and a small step back. A few more giant steps forward, perhaps one or two steps back. It's when you have unrealistic expectations for how giant those steps are that you need to pay close attention. Unrealistic expectations for you or others is a lot like that abrupt receding of water just before a tsunami wave hits. It's a warning.

Your journey is never going to be a straight path from point A to point B. It's winding, disturbing, exhilarating, and exhausting. Honestly, it's only when you look back over time that you really see how far you've come. Like the rhythm of the tide, your journey is ebb and flow. Some days you're going to do great, some days you're going to think you're actually losing ground. That's to be expected - at least if you're really working to become a healthier person. Ebb and flow. That's a visual of the journey you're on. To know this is to also recognize that extreme abruptness is a warning for you to get to higher ground - unrealistic expectations have set you up for a truly destructive experience.

Strength

It's springtime in Arkansas. Besides the beautiful flowers that bloom and the pollen that is covering everything with green dust, we also have wicked storms. Tornados are a common occurrence here at this time of year. If we don't have tornados, we have thunderstorms with high winds and lots of lightning. It's just part of Spring.

We have a covered deck on our house and this Spring we noticed two robins building a nest just under the roof on a support beam. After several days of building, mama robin now sits on her nest. At the moment, we've shut down all grilling and reading on the deck so no one is disturbed while the wonder of life hatches open. In fact, we now have two screaming baby birds that keep the grown up robins pretty busy. It's a bad time to be a worm in our neighborhood! It's been amazing to watch.

A recent thunderstorm blew in with almost horizontal wind. The rain was fierce and so was the lightning. Everything grew extremely dark in the middle of the day. I walked past our sliding glass door and saw something just remarkable. That mama robin wasn't moving. She held tight and wedged down into her nest. Nothing - not the wind, not the rain - nothing was going to dislodge her from that spot! Her strength was just amazing.

That is a perfect picture of the resolve you must have as you strive to become healthier. It definitely gets intense at times in the journey beyond abuse. Forces beyond your control whip around you, drenching you - throwing everything at you to dislodge you from your determination. It is when things are the most intense that you must not waiver. You are on a path that will bring peace, health, and depth. You have the strength to weather this storm. The wonder of your life is hatching within you.

Storms will pass. Clouds will dissipate. You are strong enough to do this. Wet wings will dry and you will soar.

No man is free who is not master of himself.
-Epictetus