Proactive Sheep!

Recently, I was visiting a church and the children's moment was about the parable of the one lost sheep. This is a well-known story that Jesus told about a shepherd who had one-hundred sheep. As he herded them into the pen, he counted up to ninety-nine and discovered that one of his sheep was missing. Jesus continues with the story that the shepherd was willing to go after the one lost sheep. At all costs, the shepherd pursued the lost sheep, knowing that his other ninety-nine were safe. That's the image of God's love - he pursues those who are lost. He finds them, he rescues them, and he brings them back into the fold. (You can read this story for yourself in Luke 15:1-10 in the New Testament Bible).

Anyway, that was the story told to the children, but the way the teacher started was by asking them, "What would happen if you were at the mall and got lost from your mom or your dad?" She was trying to direct them to the conclusion that their parents would go looking for them, but that was not the response she got. Nope! These kids were NOT going to wait on their parents to resolve their lostness. They announced they would find a mall security guard or go to a store clerk or go stand by the correct exit. They would use their cell phones (yes . . . THEIR cell phones) and call or text their locations. They would yell, "Mom!" or "Dad!" again and again until their parents located them. If someone tried to abduct them they were going to yell, "Stranger!! This is not my mom!!"

It was very amusing to watch the teacher ponder how to re-phrase her question to get her point across, but I found the whole thing quite fascinating for another reason. These kids had no intention of remaining lost. They were proactive sheep and the sooner they got back with the shepherd, the better. No waiting around for them! They had a plan and they were determined to implement it. Yes, yes . . . they finally recognized that their mothers or fathers would be looking for them too . . . just like the shepherd in the story, but these kids had given this a lot of thought. They were not going to passively accept their lostness!

I couldn't help but see a parallel between these proactive little lambs and the proactive nature of abuse recovery. Many of us can point to specific moments or encounters when it was apparent that God was mysteriously at work to help us find our way forward to a place of health and balance. At the same time, there is nothing passive about your part in this forward motion of abuse recovery.

You've got to be a proactive sheep who knows the shepherd is on the move, seeking and finding those who are lost, but you've got a part in this rescue, too. Like those proactive children in church, start looking for help. Look for people, opportunities, and environments that will help you anchor into a strong, healthy life and . . . stay anchored there! Make some noise and don't be content to stay stuck in the thickets, hearing the wolves circling. Clamor for help! Rock the boat until someone who can help notices your need and assists you to get where you need to go. Make sure you're choosy about who you go off with, too! And if that person or group tries to force you back into a corner where you're once more devalued, degraded, silenced, or disempowered, don't you dare think you've got to go with them!

One of my favorite authors is Anne Lamott. In one of her books, she identifies two kinds of prayers that people need to know. One is: "Help me! Help me! Help me!" and the other is, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Let me second that observation! I say it often, but abuse recovery is about militancy for freedom. It is a pit-bull determination to go after what you need and not let go, no matter what! It is the "Help me! Help me! Help me!!" prayer! Abuse recovery - as these very wise children noted - is about being like lost, yet proactive, sheep! And when you feel the comfort and strength of God's love leading you safely to the road of recovery, then you can proactively practice that other wonderful prayer: "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

"It is important to remember that we all have magic inside us."

-J.K. Rowling

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Self

In a recent conversation I had with my six year old grandson, he made this statement: "Ya know, Grannie, I'm really pretty awesome!" Well, he didn't have to convince me of this, but what struck me was the matter-of-fact way he said it. He was pretty much letting me know that facts are facts, it was true, and he had no doubts about his awesomeness. He didn't qualify it with the kinds of things many of us would use, such as "I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, but I'm really pretty awesome." Worse yet, many of us would never even say such a thing out loud for fear that it might reflect negatively in the opinions of others.

A bitter by-product of abuse is what it does to one's idea about self. It is a vampire, a devourer, a destroyer of self-image. The experience of abuse turns you inside out and that unspoiled belief that you are awesome is replaced with the wretched belief that you are worthless and insignificant. Over the years, this miserable belief turns into a toxic form of survival called narcissism. A narcissist is a person who is extremely preoccupied with self. They react to criticism with rage or shame and often exaggerate their accomplishments, requiring continuous attention. Almost everything a narcissist does involves his or her self interests or goals. They have extremely unrealistic expectations of others and often completely disregard their feelings, needs. Empathy is not a strong point for a narcissist. You might argue with me about you having any narcissistic tendencies because you have such low self-esteem, but isn't the essence of low self-esteem when a person thinks about themselves all the time?

Abuse took your legitimate needs to be valued, cherished, respected, and significant, and exploited them. You were manipulated, disregarded, overpowered, and misused for the gratification of your abuser. For a developing person, that creates a love-hate relationship with those legitimate needs. You think you're worthless, but search relentlessly for someone to value you - but if you find such a person, you raise the bar so high that they will never measure up, and then you explode. Of course that explosion can be external or internal, but either way, there's an intense reaction. It's a vicious cycle.

A real mark of abuse recovery is the change in how you think of yourself. Recovery is really a reclamation of your value, an understanding that you are worthy of being cherished and respected, and a rejection of exploitation. Positive self-esteem is a pretty good gauge that you are turning a corner. It means you no longer function as if everything is a threat to your very existence. Criticism is met with objective consideration - are the criticisms valid? Are they unfounded? Either way, your response is measured and balanced, rather than vicious and destructive. Positive self-esteem recognizes personal limitations and celebrates others who do not have such limitations. It also recognizes personal talent, intelligence, aptitude, and beauty without being ashamed of them or the accomplishments they may bring. Empathy and genuine consideration of others, without a hidden agenda, are natural for a person with positive self-esteem. When you reclaim your value, then you don't need the constant attention and adoration of others, nor are you easily threatened when attention is lavished on others rather than you.

Narcissism is really the manifestation of a broken child whose demands for safety, love, and respect have mutated into a monstrous, demanding adult who mishandles others, as well as self. Positive self-esteem is much, much more than having a warm-fuzzy-feel-good. It is the manifestation of a wounded person who is changing his or her worldview to embrace both your gifts and shortcomings, your beauty and your flaws, your strengths and your weakness, and consider the needs and perspectives of others around you.

Abuse breeds narcissistic tendencies. Abuse recovery breeds a positive self-belief. As you challenge ugly, narcissistic thinking, as you reclaim your worth, you will find that corner-turning child-like epiphany that unapologetically knows - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are pretty awesome!

Say it with me, “Ya know, I’m really pretty awesome!” And, by the way, you don’t have to convince me of that!


Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

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Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

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This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
-Don McLean

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

Disclosure and Betrayal

I get a lot of emails and letters from abuse survivors who are stunned by the response of family, friends, and clergy when they disclosed their experiences of abuse. No matter how much these people may have failed them in the past; they still somehow believed that once the abuse is exposed, they will find support, acceptance, and compassion. Instead, they found the same old toxic dynamics, the same dysfunction, and the same sick system that harbors secrets and covers up abuse. In many ways, this kind of response is almost equal to the betrayal and trauma brought on by the original abuse.

Now hopefully, if or when you disclosed your abuse, or when someone you loved disclosed they had been abused to you, the response was appropriate, empowering, and an important step in your healing. Honestly, if that was your experience, you are a very fortunate person and I celebrate that with you and for you!

On the other hand, if you were handled poorly after you disclosed, you've got lots of company because this is, sadly, quite common. The reasons for inadequate or inappropriate response are quite revealing. I read an article just this week about an abuse victim in Belgium being urged by his Bishop to delay making a public statement about his abuse until the bishop who abused the victim retired. This is shocking! Outrageous! ... and not that unusual.

Abuse victims are frequently shunned by their families. Siblings and non-offending parents will often rally around the abusing family member, turning the victim into a scapegoat for causing such distress. The victim ends up being labeled as the bad-guy and the already deep wounds suddenly plunge much deeper.

In cases such as the one in Belgium, victims of authority figures often face tremendous pressure to remain quiet, to think of the needs of the perpetrator - particularly if he or she is older, or intimidated into silence. They are convinced they will not be believed; are accused of making things up about such a "wonderful" person; and asked to consider how difficult this will be on the church or school or club or the perpetrator's spouse or children.

To be handled in these ways is perhaps one of the most hurtful betrayals that victims can feel, second only to the actual abuse. There is no way to make this kind of treatment sting any less, but it is VERY important to recognize it for what it is: a continued system of victimization and exploitation. The message becomes quite clear: keep quiet and don't rock the boat.

When you need them the most, when you've disclosed the most intimate, exposing kind of crime, that's when you need support, to be believed, and to be protected. If that hasn't been your experience, then you will need to navigate through that additional layer of betrayal in your journey beyond abuse.

First of all, if you've not been believed or been intimidated, or even been accused, then those people or organizations have demonstrated - beyond a doubt - that they are not trustworthy. You won't move forward if you continue to expect appropriate advocacy or aftercare from them. They either can't or won't give it to you and you could use your precious little energy trying to make them be what they are not. It is terrifying to face the failures of others when you need them the most. It is devastating to see your family or your church or your group or your community rally around the perpetrator and leave you feeling violated and exposed.

Healing comes from being honest. It comes from facing truth and facts to determine reasonable and mature strategies. Healing comes from seeing people and groups as they are, not as you want or need them to be. When you see this, you will turn your energy and your heart toward others who will be what you need . . . who will be your friend, your advocate, your comfort, and your encourager.

Jesus clearly knew about the failure of people in one's deepest hour of need. He taught his followers that it is very appropriate to have boundaries with people who respond in such despicable ways. His instructions are: "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces" (Matthew 7:6). In other words, you are under no obligation to hand over your treasures - your heart or your hurts - to people who will mishandle that gift. Jesus said that if you do, they will rip your needs apart and then will turn and shred you, too.

To be further mishandled by your family, your church, or your community is absolutely devastating. Once this happens, be very careful about how much more you look to them for healing comfort and support. It is quite possible that you will need to look elsewhere for these very real needs of being believed, being respected, being valued, and being understood. To do otherwise is to enhance the abuse you've already suffered instead of finding your way forward with those who understand.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse