Heaven wheels above you, displaying to you her eternal glories, and still your eyes are on the ground.
-Dante Alighieri

Healing Love

Love is a powerful and empowering force. Many abuse survivors either search for it with relentless determination or insist that they don't want it and don't need it. Of course, everyone wants and needs love - whether we acknowledge that or not. The truth is that you're broken hearted. That's the impact of abuse - it breaks your heart. Your terror of being vulnerable to another person can create tremendous conflict with your terror of being hurt. It's one of the great dilemmas in navigating how you relate to people as you move beyond abuse.

If you find love, it's wonderful - whether that comes from a lover, a friend, a child, a parent, or a pet - it's wonderful. Love is a healing agent. When you are loved, it can soothe wounds. But there are two sides to love - receiving it and giving it. One you have control of - one you don't.

The fact is - you can't demand love. It is meaningless if it isn't freely giving. Of course, people can go through motions that appear to be love - but if it's a performance, if it's obligatory - it's meaningless. You know it and so does the actor. For an abuse survivor, unauthentic going-through-the-motions relationships are devastating. There's a familiar ring to that kind of toxicity - it hurts. It appears to work for others, but you're not included. Relationships of obligation are not going to provide much healing for your broken heart. They may actually break it a bit more. Again, these are things you have little control over. You can become more demanding - insisting that others do things that look like love, but that will often create greater rage or sorrow within you. Take a deep breath - you can't require people to genuinely love you.

The other side of love - giving it - is something you DO have control of. Let me be very clear - giving love is NOT IN ANY WAY the same thing as being a DOORMAT or a VICTIM. Giving love requires looking beyond yourself - beyond your own perspective. Giving love requires you to consider how your words and actions impact others. When you love in a way that reflects Christ's teachings, you value peace and justice. You discard the winner-loser mentality. You find an inner strength that incubates greatness - not ego-inflating greatness - true greatness worthy of one who follows Christ. Then you become an adult who establishes boundaries, practices kindness for the sake of being kind, and enlarges your world-view to include others.

Compassion and kindness. Gentleness and respect. Patience and peace. These are the internal benchmarks of one who has learned to love. When you love - you are empowered. When you love - using the model of Christ's life - you are stronger than your abusers and stronger than your abuse. You turn and go in a direction that is the complete opposite of abuse. You move beyond abuse when you live beyond the perversion of "love" and betrayal of trust that shattered you.

To give love mysteriously translates into a healing force in YOUR life. It is a cosmic, grand, and sacred transformation that may or may not be noticed or reciprocated - but that's not the point. The point is that your demanding love almost guarantees that you'll never have enough - never receive what you so desperately want or need. Giving love is something that the Spirit of God slowly, gently, and respectfully massages into your broken heart until those wretched spasms of abuse's damage cease. Gradually and ever so empowering, you emerge strong enough to give love without victimizing yourself or others. That is healing love - and it looks NOTHING like abuse or abusers.

The greatest mistake we make is living in constant fear that we will make one.
-John C. Maxwell

Washed Away

I live in a part of the world where "Spring" is synonymous with pollen. In Arkansas, everything is covered with a perpetual layer of green dust. It's the stuff that makes us sneeze, wheeze, and feel pretty lousy. Most of us walk around with blood-shot eyes, runny noses, and dry, hacking coughs. Of course, the trade-off for such misery includes the beautiful flowers and budding trees. It's just so wonderful to see - just not so great to breathe! Spring also brings a lot of rain - a LOT of rain! When that rain comes, the pollen is washed out of the air and collects in puddles. For a few hours after the rain, we all breathe easier.

Abuse recovery involves many moments that are just about as uncomfortable - sometimes downright disturbing - as they get. For a season - actually many different seasons - you may feel the effects of facing your past, facing the difficult experiences that have ripped your life apart, and facing the damage left behind. With each new layer that is exposed to you, you may also walk around with blood-shot eyes, a runny nose, and a few coughs. Along with this, you may shed a number of tears.

Tears are quite amazing. Some abuse survivors cry easily. Others haven't cried for years. Either way, there is a progression of responses as you face the realities and consequences of abuse. When those realities are faced - truly acknowledged and embraced - a powerful cleansing takes place. The past - your abuse, the damage, the false shame or guilt - loosens its grip on you. Every time that happens, something amazing takes place. The perpetual layer of dysfunction dissipates - diffuses - lessens its intensity.

It has been my experience that when abuse survivors finally decide to turn around and face their past - the ugly, shame-filled past - everything changes. The shame is exposed as false. The ugliness becomes clear as belonging to your abusers. The secrets that you've feared no longer dictate who and what you are. It is just like the Spring rains we have here in Arkansas. They are terrible to go through, but as they pass, they fulfill a filtering function for your mind, body, and spirit. The damage is pulled from your life and collected in pools that will eventually evaporate and lose their power over you.

This may happen through tears - or not. But either way - facing the truth about what happened to you takes the power away from those terrible secrets. Yes - the initial film left by secrets, damage, and dysfunction - create great discomfort. But after those storms, you'll find the air - your air - is purified, filtered, and breathable.

Discovering Truth

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.
-Galileo

The Kiss

Thursday night, there was a big dinner with friends. A warm spring evening. A stroll in the garden afterward. It sounds wonderful until you realize these were the terrible tremors that signaled the beginning of Christ's abuse. With a kiss, the tremors erupted into a complete shifting of the earth. Nothing would ever be the same.

Kiss. That word - that action - brings to mind intimacy, trust, closeness, and affection. But that night - it was used as a weapon. This kiss became the iconic symbol of betrayal. It launched the closing hours of Christ's life in his Earth Suit. The kiss - given and received - changed everything. Fear rippled through the tight circle of friends and they scattered - ultimately betraying themselves as well as denying Jesus. The religious community exposed all the ugliness and blasphemous cruelty that they really were. The civil government once again suspended its own rules of law to appease corrupt, powerful, and cowardly leaders. Law enforcement - those with the authority to use force - used it in such a way as to demean, degrade, and strip naked a less powerful, weakened, defenseless person. The adoring "cheerleaders" with palm branches of just one week before, became "jeer-leaders." And it all began with a kiss (Matthew 26:48; Mark 14:44; Luke 22:47-48).

There was another kind of kiss that came after Christ's death and resurrection. It was referred to as the Holy Kiss - a kiss of community and inclusion - an intimate greeting between believers that signified belonging. "Greet one another with a Holy Kiss" was admonished at least five times in the writings of Paul and Peter (Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26; Peter 5:14). It was meant to be a physical way of blessing others and to express unity among people who followed Christ.

Abuse is ultimately possible because someone misused their closeness to you. Trust, intimacy and acceptance were all violated by those who should have protected, accepted, nurtured, and provided for you. What others may view as a sign of affection, you experienced as danger, trauma, and theft of innocence. The obscene misuse of actions - reserved for love - sent the same kind of tremors through your life. It shifted your world and the path you traveled on it. The great challenge of abuse recovery is to decide that you're going to reclaim the appropriate expressions of love, affection, and intimacy. That you're going to take a concept like "kiss" - hijacked by your abusers - and wrestled it from their clutches to be restored to its rightful place and sacred meaning in your life.

As you make your own pilgrimage through this Holy Week, remember that you go to Christ - God in an Earth Suit - who understands your struggles. That understanding is because of his own experiences with suffering. His own experiences with affection being used as a weapon. His own harsh realities of being abandoned, betrayed, exposed, humiliated, tortured, and abused. It was these experiences with suffering that made Christ's connection with us perfect. It is what gives us commonality - shared experiences that change how we communicate.

This Holy Week - we acknowledge this journey of Jesus that began with a kiss. In abuse recovery, you acknowledge your own journey that began when someone misused their power, turned something meant for affection into a weapon, and took away any control you had over these experiences. This Holy Week - you do not remain paralyzed in front of a tomb, hopeless. You rise with Christ to move beyond that suffering, abuse, and pain. You rise to light and truth and hope. As you do, Holy Week becomes Holy Life. Beyond the abuse. Beyond all that was lost. Beyond darkness to dwell in love, peace, and community with God. You are connected to God by the common experiences of pain. Because of Christ's experiences with such pain, he is connected to you by love and grace.

You have been given a Holy Kiss of fellowship, sacred love, and community through Christ. Because of that foul, abusive kiss received by Christ, you have access to One who understands your own struggles with the issues of affection and intimacy. As you exchange the lies attached to that "kiss" with the truth of how beautiful the Holy Kiss of fellowship and belonging are, you rise with Christ to a journey beyond abuse. Have a blessed Holy Week.

It is finished.
-Jesus

Colorado Retreat Deadline April 10th

Upcoming Western US Region Retreat

COMMITTED TO FREEDOM WOMEN’S RETREAT

Western USA Region Retreat

Deadline is quickly approaching!

You don't have to be falling apart. You can come angry with God. You can come with doubt.
You will leave empowered with spiritual tools to help you move beyond abuse.

Western US Region Retreat for Women

April 24-26, 2009 Colorado Springs, CO

The absolute deadline for your registration form to be RECEIVED is April 10th!

The Retreat begins at noon on Friday and concludes at 3 pm on Sunday.

This retreat is a very tactile and diverse experience. It is presented within a Christian framework, but all are welcome and respected. We will NEVER manipulate or pressure you. Take what you need and set the remainder aside.

Get a registration form

by calling 800-713-7837, by downloading one from our website, www.committedtofreedom.org,

or by writing us at Committed to Freedom - PO Box 20916 - Hot Springs, AR 71903-0916.

Cost is $450 - includes lodging, meals, retreat materials, and retreat.

Committed to Freedom, Inc. is a non-profit organization that provides people with spiritual tools to move beyond abuse. This communication is provided for education and inspiration and does not constitute mental health treatment. This communication does not constitute legal or professional advice, nor is it indicative of a private therapeutic relationship. Individuals desiring help for abuse related issues or other psychological concerns should seek out a mental health professional.

It Takes A Village

There is a saying that "it takes a village to raise a child." As a parent and a grandparent - I must say that I totally agree! Every child needs a large community of caregivers, teachers, spiritual directors, mentors, trainers, coaches, medical professionals, protectors, and adversaries if he or she is to grow with balance into a mature adult.

Yes - I included adversaries in this village of influencers. Just for clarification - adversaries are not the same as abusers. Without adversaries, one will never truly mature. Adversaries prepare each person for a world that does not revolve around you. Adversaries teach you to fine tune your ability to discern. They help you to understand the perspectives of others and establish boundaries for yourself. Adversaries help you to think through who and what you are, and how to articulate that to others. When you experience opposition, you can use that resistance to become stronger. In many ways, adversaries are like strength training for your character. However, if a child or adult finds too many adversaries in the village, it can have almost the opposite effect - it can be incredibly destructive.

For an abuse survivor, the village that shaped you may have included some very toxic people that harmed you, tore you down, and shattered a healthy self-image. What is interesting is how we then grow into adults that find ourselves in a village that is often just toxic. You may continue to be completely immersed in a village of people who tear you down, shatter your heart, fail you regularly, and do not nurture, appreciate, protect, or challenge you. The names and faces from your dysfunctional childhood village may have changed, but the baton of toxic dynamics have been passed on to others who now surround you.

Abuse recovery is as much about being re-parented as anything else. You must re-learn healthy ideas about yourself, others, and God. You must undo the self-sabotaging thoughts and the lies that feel like the truth. You must learn to play, to laugh, to sing, to sleep, to trust, to fight, and to love in new ways. There will have to be a re-working of the ideas and experiences that shattered the child within you so that your broken inner child can finally grow up - grow into a healthy adult.

If you find that the "village" you are in is one that will not help you to re-parent yourself, then you might want to consider building another village. This does not mean that you walk away from your existing relationships - from your existing village. It means that you begin to gradually include others in your village - people who will help you to re-parent your broken inner child. In other words, you must expand your village. Obviously this is easier said than done, but it is an idea worth serious consideration and effort.

Some people enlarge their villages by finding a healthy faith community. Others return to school or join a support group or take up a new activity (like bicycling or painting). The point here is that you expand your village by expanding your contact with healthier people. If you hang out at the local tavern and everyone in your life is a dysfunctional alcoholic, then perhaps you can enlarge your village with a walking or running club. If your faith community is one filled with bitter gossip and harsh judgment, then perhaps you can enlarge your village by going to a community Bible study or book discussion group. If your intimate relationships are angry and toxic, perhaps you can enlarge your village by joining a gardening group or a poetry group. Enlarge your village by volunteering with organizations that you care about, causes that concern you, and programs that build up people.

Read. Listen. Watch. Open your mind, heart, and spirit to the possibilities of re-arranging your village. You don't destroy the current village that you have in one atomic swoop, but you do strategically work to expand your village incrementally with healthier people, stimulating activities, and purposeful involvement with nurturing relationships. The reality of your abuse recovery is that you need another village - a kind, grand, and gracious village - to help raise you into a healthier adult. This can include caregivers, teachers, spiritual directors, mentors, trainers, coaches, a medical team, protectors, and yes - adversaries who will help you to become strong.