Meditation as Healing Tool

Meditation is a word that conjures up many ideas. For some it invokes irrational fear. For others it is the key to peace and well-being. For others it is jumbled up with confusion and ambivalence. For abuse survivors, it is an important key to striking a balance between the gut-wrenching process of recovery and the need for peace and deep connection with God during that process.

Many people who come from a conservative religious background may feel great concern over the practice of meditation. Perhaps this is a deep worry of yours, and yet you long to find a quiet place for your mind, heart, and body. Sometimes this apprehension comes from associating meditation with other religions. If this is your concern, then you might feel that practicing meditation will compromise your religious beliefs and values.

Other people may find the practice of meditation terrifying for quite another reason: they do not want to get to the core of their being for fear having to confront who and what they will find. If this is your fear, then you might believe that the journey inward will be your undoing because a dark, threatening shadow awaits you. Waits to devour you and finish you off.

Many others are on a constant pendulum swing between fear of deception (or equating meditation with a form of idolatry) and fear of uncorking a monstrous, unrestrained inner self who waits as if lurking behind a door or around a corner to attack. But let me state what I've stated many times before: abuse recovery is about finding balance. Balance between honoring your values and proactively cultivating peace and serenity. Balance between respecting your fears or concerns and exploring why they exist in the first place.

Meditation is simply the act of quieting your mind, spirit, and body, and then focusing. Who or what you focus on is up to you. Some people sit in a particular way and recite prayers and phrases that are meaningful and empowering. Some people focus on the love of God. Other's focus on the beauty of nature. Some people meditate in a house of worship. Others meditate in their own house. The point of meditation is to proactively discipline your thoughts, your body's rhythm, and your spiritual energy so that you become the master of them, not the other way around. In abuse recovery, this means that you are empowered to take debilitating thoughts (such as false guilt) and sabotaging practices (such as perfectionism or addiction) and master them so that they don't master you. It means that as you reach for One beyond yourself, you push toxic ideas and habits aside like a snow plow pushes snow, so that the road becomes clear and the journey is more manageable.

There are many ways to practice meditation that are deeply spiritual, and yet not particularly religious. Again, the focus – especially in abuse recovery - is to invite calm into your life - every aspect of your life. This is not a performance, it is a tool you can use to carve out healing space in your journey.When you find your mind wandering, be kind to yourself and gently redirect back to the focus of your meditation. No pressure!

To get you started, here are a few ideas you may not have considered:

1. Go for a slow walk, breathing deeply, and focusing on what your senses notice - physically and spiritually. If there is a labyrinth in your community or a nature trail, these are ideal for this purpose.
2. Take a camera or a sketch pad to look deeply at and record your environment, exploring images that reflect balance, peace, dignity, and worth.
3. Sit on the veranda of an old hotel or a scenic overlook or at the foot of an ancient tree, soaking in deep, replenishing strength as you deliberately take in God's peace and intentionally exhale toxic thoughts.
4. Read a very small passage of Scripture (no more than a few verses at a time) or other spiritual writings that are meaningful to you. Read these slowly, focusing on each word and how they function as a whole to bring you to a balanced, healthy place where your mind and heart can be renewed and your body can experience transformation.
5. Search through magazines for images and words that reflect the peace you want to cultivate in your life, then clip and glue them to create a collage.
6. Paint or color, letting shapes and shades form as you reflect on peace and well-being.
7. Go for a swim, keeping submerged as much as possible as your body moves with buoyancy and quiet. Other versions of this might be to take a long bath, being careful to notice your thoughts, sensations, and spiritual connection as you make full body contact with water.
8. Build a campfire and get lost in the flames, the sounds, and the fragrance as they accompany your journey inward to peace and balance.
9. Keep a meditation journal as you incorporate these and other meditative practices in your life.

One other note regarding meditation's healing power: this is the time to focus on peace, balance, calm, and serenity. There are plenty of other times when the examination of toxic thinking, false guilt, and self-sabotage are appropriate - but THIS is not one of those times. Meditation is spiritual, emotional, and physical nutrition. It replenishes instead of depletes. It restores, uplifts, calms, and strengthens your bond with Creator and creation.

Volumes have been written about the practice of meditation. Entire organizations and seminars and retreats are dedicated to this practice. This article isn't meant to replace any of those, but to perhaps open your mind and heart to new possibilities. Call God's name in whispers and prayers, colors and rhythms, shapes and sensations. Focus your mind, spirit, and body on the peace that is beyond understanding - the peace that comes through pursuit of all that is sacred, noble, and empowering. Experiment with meditation and determine what works for YOU. There is no formula for your discovery of balance and peace. What works for one person might be incredibly distracting for another. That's part of the joy - listening to the Spirit of God guide you into the presence of holy peace where healthy thinking and balanced living germinates.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.
- Anne Lamott

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Depression: Ignorance is Not Bliss!

I'll tell you up front that this article is a knee jerk reaction to a sermon that a friend of mine heard preached in church this past weekend. In that sermon, the statement was made that "depression is a choice." This is an ignorant statement! It is a statement based on uninformed ignorance at best - and smug judgmentalism at worst. I've never, ever been with a depressed person who wanted to be depressed. NEVER! Depression is miserable and it is a common experience for abuse survivors. So let's de-construct this uninformed statement, because ignorance is NOT bliss - particularly when working to become healthier on your journey beyond abuse.

Depression involves a vital body organ - your brain. Your brain is as much a body organ as your heart or liver or lungs. Heart attacks aren't a choice. Liver failure isn't a choice. Asthma isn't a choice (Note: being a victim of abuse isn’t a choice either for those who might argue my point here). Depression means that your brain function is impacted by stress or chemical imbalance or poor nutrition or brain cells misfiring.

Sadness and grief are valid and important emotions to fully experience and process if they are not going to turn toxic. You can deny it or suppress it and call it faith, but the truth is, people must embrace both positive and painful emotions if they are to live in a healthy and balanced way. Please read this carefully: denial and faith are two completely different things. Faith looks heartache and loss right in the eye. Denial pretends there is no heartache or loss.

I can't tell you how many funerals I've been to where grieving partners, family, and friends are shamed - sometimes publicly - for displaying grief. It's barbaric and couldn't be further from the heart of God. Remember that Jesus wept at his friend Lazarus' tomb. People of faith have a keen understanding that there is something beyond what we know and see. The Scriptures teach that death has no sting, but that's for the one who has died. For those who remain, it's a very painful experience. The Scriptures also report that we don't grieve like people who have no hope - but it doesn't say we don't grieve.

All that to say, that if sadness, disappointment, pain, and grief are not acknowledged and experienced, then they turn toxic in you very quickly. Literally toxic. Not just spiritually toxic or emotionally toxic. Physically toxic and those toxins change brain function and body function - which can lead to depression. These toxins cause a literal chemical change that disrupts the delicate and perfect balance needed to be healthy and happy.

When abuse occurs, it often takes place in an unsafe setting. The environment isn't safe. Relationships aren't safe either because of overt abuse, neglect, or life circumstances - such as a missing parent due to addiction, war, or partner separation. That means that the victim doesn't have the luxury of getting help for the trauma they experienced. They hold terrifying secrets, experience high levels of terror, risk abandonment or neglect, and often live with untended physical damage. The loss that an abuse victim experiences is profound - particularly when abuse is chronic and ongoing.

These circumstances create the perfect storm for depression. Abuse experiences cannot be processed in many cases, which means that the toxins go under-cover. They eventually work their way into how your organs function, including your brain - which attempts to function with a toxic payload that leads to many problems including memory loss, concentration problems, headaches, and yes - depression. That's why anti-depressants are often quite effective in helping a person who struggles with depression. Let me quickly add that it often takes a trial-and-error approach with a physician/psychiatrist to find the right combination of medications to help individuals. This is certainly not a one-size-fits-all process.

Depression is different that the blues. Life circumstances - such as a history of abuse - can certainly play a significant role in how depression develops because trauma impacts how you function. Everyone gets down. Everyone gets sad. Everyone grieves and experiences many losses during their lifetimes. Those aren't choices either. They are people interacting with the highs and lows of living. With the joys and sorrows, dreams and nightmares of being human.

Depression is miserable. It's not a choice. It's a RED FLAG that must be tended to as surely as a heart attack must be cared for. It can impair your quality of life, your relationships, and compromise your health. It can also be deadly.

Is there a spiritual component to depression? Of course! There's a spiritual component to everything because you're a spiritual being. While I'm a believer in hard work, in the one-foot-in-front-of-the-other journey to become healthier - I also know that your beautiful, delicate yet resilient body needs extra care from time to time. If you're feeling loss and sorrow, take the time - quality time - to access God's comfort and love. If you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed - take the time to experience God's fortifying peace.

Every week, I write about small steps in the journey beyond abuse, but abuse recovery must be holistic. Tend to your spirit. Tend to your relationships, your finances, and your talents. Tend to your body and your health. Turn a deaf ear to preachers like the one I referred to. Instead, turn to the welcoming, non-judging, inclusive and unconditional Christ who invites you to come to him if you labor, or are heavy laden, and he will give you peace. He offers to share your burdens with you, not pretend you don't have any. He knows his own strength and knows yours, and explains that a partnership is possible that will sustain you until you can once again flourish. I suppose if there's any choice in all this, it's that you take him up on that offer through prayer, meditation, intentional living, community, and accountability.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom

Just a Reminder

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

Noise

I once read that silence was the first language of God. Of course, the opposite of silence is noise. For an abuse survivor, the greatest noise to contend with is probably the noise inside your own head! Noise is usually a force to contend with - whether it originates on the inside or the outside, whether you're a talker or the quiet type, into harps and Indian flutes or drum solos and screaming electric guitars - noise impacts your journey. Those who are deaf also contend with noise, it's just that the receptacles for that noise come through other senses, but there is still a lot of head traffic.

For some abuse survivors, noise can be something to hide behind. Music is loud, television is always on, iPods are always running. For others, noise is something they constantly produce through unending chatter and relentless talking. Noise, when used to hide, is chaotic. It is meant to deflect the inside noise and to push reality to a more comfortable distance.

For other abuse survivors, noise can be something that brings comfort. The music may still be loud, the television be on 24/7, and the iPod may always be running, but the function of noise is different. It provides a point of reference that orients and anchors. It makes things that go bump in the night less noticeable. It provides companionship and diminishes the isolation that many abuse survivors feel. It serves to better manage the inside noise, as well as push reality to more comfortable distances.

Noise can also give abuse survivors identity. It helps to frame emotions and experiences. Depression. Anxiety. Fury. Joy. Exhilaration. Inspiration. Despair. The noise of music and television and iPods and movies can be powerful validators and normalizers for people who are on this long journey of recovery.

And yet, the admonition to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10 in the Hebrew Bible) can feel challenging for one whose inner noise is relentless, and whose outer noise never stops. Silent meditation is a common part of many spiritual retreats and faith traditions, and yet it can feel quite unsettling. If there is no external noise and the interior noise is being muted, what will you hear? What will you find? Who will you be? What will you know?

The practice of intentional silence is one of the most powerful tools you can use in abuse recovery. This is especially true if you're resistant to that idea! Your resistance is a red flag that needs attention. In my own journey beyond abuse, I noticed a distinct change in my anxiety and agitation when I began practicing intentional silence. I did this in various ways that worked for me. I eliminated morning news from my routine. Then I eliminated evening news. (Don't worry, I still get all the news my mind can take, I just get it through new sources that I read rather than hear or watch.) I walked without headphones and observed sights and sounds I hadn't noticed before. I hiked or drove to scenic overlooks and sat in silence, opening my mind and spirit to God's voice - to peace and love. I paid more attention to others without anticipating my next sentence, holding my thoughts and words until I really heard what the other had to say (which - for me - is like trying to stop the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico!). Even when I had small children and a full time job, I viewed time in the shower as an opportunity to be silent – where the white noise of running water would give me the chance to be still.

These are little things I did, with great intentionality, that began to de-clutter my mind and heart. After extended practice of these small shifts, something changed in the noise. It morphed into sound. Sound that had structure and order to it. Sound that could be managed, used for comfort and validation. Sound that could fortify me. I will write what I've written many times before - abuse recovery is about finding balance. Submerge in silence for a brief time, turn off the noise for a season. You will re-surface with a healthier relationship to sound - both interior and exterior, and a clearer understanding of how to manage it to make you healthier.

Transition is always a fascinating thing. Moving from noise to sound comes through practice - the practice of intentional silence. It reminds me of my grandson’s kindergarten violin concert this past spring. Five and six year olds played violin. For parents and grandparents, family and friends it was beautiful! Extraordinary! Exquisite! For an honest listener, it was pretty much torture. But for THIS grandmother, I heard the New York Philharmonic accompany Itzhak Perlman! That's because I looked beyond the noise and heard the sounds of effort and youth, discipline and potential . . . and it brought peace to my heart and joy to my soul.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom


Beyond Abuse Retreat for Men & Women in NYC

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Online Registration for Men & Women's NYC Retreat!

Register online for the Beyond Abuse retreat for both men and women, October 22-24, 2010 in Staten Island, NY. This is a truly life changing retreat that you don't want to miss! There are financial incentives for early registration or registration with a partner. October will be here before you know it. Register online today by clicking here!

I hope to see you there!

Peace, Sallie Culbreth
Founder
Committed to Freedom

Just a Reminder

To be human is to keep rattling the bars of the cage of existence hollering, "What's it for?"
- Robert Fulghum

Super Hero Power

I'm a sucker for really bad science fiction. Not the "slasher-demon-possessed-slimy-monsters" kind of sci-fi, but the "this-is-so-bad-it's-great!" kind. You know, the kind where you can see the strings that hold up the "flying saucers" as they whiz past the camera? Classics like "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" or "Attack of the Killer Tomato."

My love of silly sci-fi was gratified recently, when an all-day marathon of the 1980's TV series "Greatest American Hero" aired. I have to tell you, the show's theme song always puts a lump in my throat (Really! Click this link to listen!). The premise of the show is that a UFO gave a red suit with a cape to an average, mild mannered high school teacher, Ralph Hinkley. When he put on the suit, he had super hero powers. But there was one problem: he lost the instructions on how to use it. So he basically had all this super-power, but couldn't quite control it.

It was just one trial-and-error after another. Funny entertainment, but for the character's world, it wasn't funny for him at all. Ralph still managed to take out the bad guys, rescue the endangered, and stop disasters, but he did so with clumsy and often catastrophic movements. He crashed through buildings, flew through the air with the finesse of a bad disco dancer, and missed his mark on more than one occasion. He often felt like a failure.

Abuse survivors and Ralph Hinkley have a great deal in common. The fact that you've made it this far is a testimony to your strength, resilience, resourcefulness, and spirit! You have courage and power - power gifted to you by the Spirit of God. The challenge, for you, is to learn what that means and how to use it on your journey beyond abuse. Particularly in the early stages of recovery, you may feel as if you're crashing more than landing on your feet or hurling through the air like a dodo bird rather than soaring like an eagle. You may often feel like a failure. That’s normal AND discouraging!

So here you are, with your super hero powers that have been given to you - YES, YOU!! - and yet, you feel out-of-control. Well, you are. Take a breath. That's normal. It takes a great deal of courage to put on that super hero suit and to take a risk - to take a chance that your life can be re-crafted. Re-formed. Restored. The courage of Ralph Hinkley was not that he had a super hero suit. It was that he took the gift he received and - despite the fact that he had no idea how to use it - he still put it on and jumped into the air. Without his actions, the suit remained in a box, dormant and useless.

The beauty of recovery - of working to reclaim your life and move beyond abuse - is that your trial-and-error process will yield amazing results. You will begin to recognize the triggers that usually send you into a tailspin and know how to recalibrate. Your vision and perception will eventually see through faulty thinking. You will challenge the way things have always been and approach old issues in new, more effective ways. Your fear will subside as you are enveloped with the strength and comfort of God's love. You will soar in such a way that even eagles will marvel at your technique.

To do otherwise is to keep what you have been given in a box, unused. Worse yet, to take that gift out of the box, experience what is possible, and yet choose to take it off and return it to the box would be an true atrocity. Our family experienced the tragic consequences of that choice almost two years ago this month. Dave, my son-in-law committed suicide. His permanent solution to a temporary issue destroyed not only himself, but many others who loved him. A few days after his memorial service, my four-year-old grandson and I were having a conversation under the stars about Dave. My grandson said, "Grannie, Dave was a super hero. He just forgot to use his super powers one day."

Those profound words instantly crystallized what abuse recovery really is: a struggle to remember to use your super powers. A life-and-death, moment-by-moment decision to keep that super hero suit ON and be okay with the fact that you're still figuring out how to use it. Some days you'll fly better than others. Some days you'll land on your feet and other days you'll tumble. Some days you'll miss the side of the building, and other days you'll smack right into it. But the point -THE POINT - is that you keep the suit on and you practice using your super powers! To do otherwise is an unnecessary tragedy.

I'll close with the words to The Greatest American Hero (by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer, sung by Joey Scarbury) and hope you sing this at the top of your lungs today: "Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air, I never thought I could be so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me!"

Fly, my friend! Fly!! After all, you’re a SUPER HERO!


Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom
For more resources, go to our website

Just

Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.
-Jesus
Luke 6:31

Abuse Recovery Tip

Breathe deeply through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat.

Unscheduled Delays

The question - and I mean THE question - everyone asks at some point in their abuse recovery is, "When will I be normal?" "When will I be free . . . when will I be okay . . . out of pain?" These, I believe, are the wrong questions. The more appropriate question might be, "How can I become healthier?"

Abuse recovery is quite often referred to as a journey. It doesn't occur in a vacuum. It occurs in the context of work and school, relationships and hobbies, wake and sleep. It also occurs in conjunction with the process of aging and being. From the day you're born until the day you die - you're a work in progress. The energy and immaturity of young adulthood guides its gut-wrenching peaks and valleys under any circumstances. The weakened, slower body of senior adulthood presents an altogether different set of challenges and rewards. Also included in these passages - for survivors - is the recovery process.

Recovery is not on a timetable. There are no published schedules that tell you when you will arrive, or even where you will arrive. Recovery is not commanded, it is explored. It is a struggle with tiny successes, profound losses, and occasional, monumental victories. No matter how self-aware, self-controlled, or self-motivated you may be, recovery unfolds in its own time, in its own way.

As I write this article, I am on a plane. A plane that's almost an hour late from its scheduled departure time. This, of course, will mean that I miss my connecting flight, which in turn means I will not get home until very late tonight or maybe even tomorrow. I'm exhausted, hungry, and a bit annoyed. That's the way it goes with abuse recovery, too. No matter how tight your recovery schedule may be, no matter how hard you work or how many books you read or how many hours you spend in therapy, you're going to experience unscheduled delays. They will feel like set-backs, but they're not.

Recovery's work is to slowly reveal how you can live in a healthier way - physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and relationally. It occurs in the context of living life - which is an unpredictably wild ride. My flight was delayed due to mechanical problems. As annoying as it was to sit on the runway for an hour while the technicians fixed the problem, I kept reminding myself that if they didn't fix it, we would never arrive.

In your recovery process, expect those same kinds of moments. Moments when everything comes to a screeching halt while adjustments and repairs must happen if you are to continue on. It's frustrating, inconvenient, and – by the way – absolutely necessary. It can be looked at as REAL progress. Without these kinds of delays, what truly needs attention will be ignored, and that's no way to become healthier.

Your destination is to become healthier. The time-table for this is unknown, but the great mystery is that you will know you've arrived when you get there. In the meantime- keep your seatbelt buckled and your book opened. It may be awhile and it may go - not according to your plan - but according to a larger schedule. The schedule for you to become truly healthy. Truly free.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
for more resources, go to http://www.committedtofreedom.org