False Memories and Blank Spots

There is a new book making the rounds about false memories entitled “My Lie” by Meredith Maran. I listened to her interview on NPR (click here to listen to the interview) a few days ago. I found it to be fascinating and relevant to what many abuse survivors struggle with: the search for a reason to make sense of your struggles. For many of us, the abuse seems dream-like at times or disjointed with large missing pieces and blank spots that seem to feel unnerving or even threatening.

Contrary to television crime shows, where a witness has perfect recall as if their memories are TiVo'd - that's not the way our memories work. Particularly traumatic memories. Our minds are amazing machines that have been given the task of keeping us protected and functioning. Sometimes that means tucking away terrifying experiences into memory crevices that are hard to locate, or coding them a bit differently from non-traumatic memories so they are recalled differently. This is often the reason that memories comes to you in bits and pieces, rather than a cohesive stream of information. Another facet of trauma recall is the age you were when abuse occurred versus the age you are when the memories take front-and-center for you. For example, in my late 40’s, I located the house where much of my abuse occurred. In my mind, I remembered the house as an enormous, haunted-house type mansion where you could practically hear perpetual thunder and lightning crackling across the rooms. I was quite shocked to discover a rather small, modest-sized house. I recognized the rooms. I recognized the lot. I recognized the house, but I remembered it through the size and experiences of a child, and I revisited it through the size and experiences of an adult.

But there's also a dark underbelly to those blank spots for which you have no answers. It has devastating consequences if you're manipulated like the author of “My Lie” was. That is the phenomenon of false memories. It usually takes place when distressed or depressed people are placed in highly vulnerable or suggestible situations, and convinced by others (often an untrained person or poorly trained counselor) that the reason for their struggles is "Scenario A" or "Scenario B," even when there is no evidence of any kind to make such a suggestion. Yes, we're all looking for answers to why we struggle with depression or rage or eating disorders or addiction. That's understandable, particularly when there seems to be no apparent reason why these issues exist. But solid academic research and common sense tells us that to suggest an abuse scenario when no such memory has been otherwise recalled, is both dangerous and irresponsible.

False memories are not deliberate lies. They are real memories - manipulated memories - of an event that did not take place. I say this often, but if you cannot recall a memory of abuse, but struggle with many of the secondary issues of abuse (depression, anxiety, self-injury, etc.), then what you need to work on are THOSE secondary issues. The "why" of those issues may become apparent to you at some point, but NEVER ever ever ever let someone suggest (either in person or through a teaching) that abuse has taken place when you are not aware of it in the first place! This muddies the waters and never gives truth an opportunity to surface in an organic way that has more integrity that suggestions do.

You may be feeling a bit defensive as you read this. That, too, is understandable. The other side of this coin is that many of us - abuse survivors - were either not believed or had our experiences minimized when we told. To have your experiences dismissed or minimized feels like the deepest kinds of betrayal - particularly when those who do so are the ones you need the most - your family or friends. When the subject of false memories is brought up, it may feel extremely threatening to you because you DO remember. You KNOW what happened. You LIVE with the scars every day from the abuse you suffered. Just like ignorant people who suggest abuse without evidence, other ignorant people will use this phenomenon of false memories to whisk away legitimate accusations and experiences of abuse. Ignorance is NOT bliss on either side of this.

For many abuse survivors, it takes years - sometimes decades - to become strong enough to disclose the abuse that occurred. That's pretty common, too. There are many reasons for this delay - fear, threats, consequences, and the shattering of the "perfect family" or "perfect pastor" or "perfect neighbor." Personally, I didn't disclose my childhood abuse by my grandfather until I was in my 30's. When you have this kind of delay in disclosure - people will wonder (perhaps even ask you) why you didn't come forward with this information sooner? The reasons for delay are as varied as the individuals who experience abuse. For me, I just didn't want to rock the boat - I wanted to pretend that everything was okay and not have to deal with the questions, the disruption in the ways things had always been, or hurt some people that I loved. It's probably safe to say that disclosure of abuse is rarely met with joy or relief - although there are probably exceptions to that - but when it's time for you, IF it's time for you - then you need to be prepared for the fall-out that will most certainly come. Am I better off because I disclosed? Yes and no. It's complicated - as anyone who has this experience knows.

Take time with your memories and experiences. Don't be so concerned about WHAT you remember as WHAT you're struggling with. If you're depressed and you come from a good home, have a good life, and have no recollection of any trauma or abuse, then deal with the depression. Period! If you're depressed and have memories of trauma and abuse, then connect those dots to see the cause-and-effect and work to restructure how you think about yourself and the present, in the context of your past.

False memories rip off the truth, and most certainly do great harm to people who have truly experienced trauma and abuse. Reality is what must be dealt with - whether or not you discover what those shadow memories are or are not. I believe those blank spots in your memories, those missing pieces - are God's way of protecting you until you're strong enough or in an appropriate place in your journey to look at them full-faced. I think they serve as a kind of spiritual bubble-wrap that will eventually dissolve when and if you're ready. Speaking to my own experiences, I only disclosed to others what I had known - but not acknowledged - most of my life. I looked away from it up until then. It just became a reality for everyone else when I told, but I had known it and not admitted it for decades. Personally, I believe that you will remember what you need to remember when you're ready. That won't come through hypnosis or manipulation. It comes through the honest pursuit of authenticity and integrity. Truth is truth. False truth is NOT truth. Healthy people seek truth, not manipulated explanations that may or may not have any basis in fact.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Pain is Different

I am often approached by people who seem to need their experiences put in a category - to have it labeled. They share a few details and then ask, "Is that abuse?" My answer is always, "If it feels abusive or inappropriate to you, then it was abusive and inappropriate."

Other people will qualify their experiences by saying, "I know some people have gone through much worse than me." To which I reply, "But that doesn't diminish your experiences and the damage you feel."

In your journey beyond abuse it is important to recognize that your experiences - whether more severe than others' or less - are YOURS to move beyond. If your hand was cut off and my leg was cut off - we would both have damage to overcome, but my loss of a leg would not diminish your loss of a hand. They are different losses for different people. In this example, you would still have to deal with the loss of your hand. It is the same with experiences that have been abusive and damaging. Your experiences are worthy of being addressed. Your wounds are worthy of being tended to. The damaged places in your body, your spirit, and your living skills must be acknowledged and overcome if you are to find a place of balance and health.

At the same time, I do think it is important to keep your experiences in perspective - to a certain degree. But pain is pain. Damage is damage. Dysfunction is dysfunction. There will always be other people who have gone through much more severe trauma than you, and it is important to have awareness of that fact. Or perhaps your experiences are much more traumatic than most, and it is important to have awareness of that fact, as well. But severe or mild, abuse survivors must learn to have sensitivity to the trauma of others, and - at the same time - take appropriate steps to find their own place of balance, peace, and health.

Your pain is YOUR pain. My pain is MINE. We accomplish nothing by minimizing our own pain because someone else had it much worse. At the same time, we accomplish nothing by being so focused on our own pain that we minimize the trauma that other people have experienced.

When you think about your abuse experiences - whether it is very severe or mildly severe - it is what it is. It was what it was. It is worthy of being addressed and cared for. It is also something to eventually move beyond - not in a snow-plow-pushed-through-it sort of way. More like an unpacking, acknowledging, and re-arranging how you relate to it sort of way.

Running away from it or wallowing in it - neither of these is healthy or productive. What IS healthy and productive is acknowledgement of what felt inappropriate or abusive, and taking the time to learn how to navigate through it and move beyond it. This is done by strategically managing your response to triggers; being accountable for how you live your life to a wise friend, mentor, counselor, or support group; respecting your body, intellect, and spirit and treating them in a healthy way; assessing how you function in relationships and re-drawing healthy boundaries; and re-learning how to live in a more functional, balanced, and holistic way.

I often think about the woman caught in adultery who was dragged before Jesus by the men in her village (John 8:1-11, New Testament Bible). There were two distinct issues going on here, and Jesus addressed them both. The first issue Jesus addressed was the hypocrisy of the villagers. The second issue was the woman's own behavior. Jesus didn't ignore one to address the other. He faced both issues, because both were worthy of being addressed. This is true for you, too.

Your pain is different from any one else's. There may be similarities - even the same abusers in the same household in the same way - but nonetheless, your pain is different. Don't look for a label or a category before you launch into a healthier, more balanced and honest way of living. Don't minimize or wallow in your experiences in order to address them. In many respects, during the intense stages of abuse recovery - you are the one who matters the most. But you will discover that as you become healthier, you can enlarge your worldview and maybe even help others who are similarly wounded. You can't hide behind helping others as a way to avoid facing your own damage and healing journey, either. But on the other side of the intense phases of abuse recovery, you will find that you just might have the wisdom and sensitivity to walk with another on this difficult road that leads beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?
-Sidney J. Harris

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

Proactive Sheep!

Recently, I was visiting a church and the children's moment was about the parable of the one lost sheep. This is a well-known story that Jesus told about a shepherd who had one-hundred sheep. As he herded them into the pen, he counted up to ninety-nine and discovered that one of his sheep was missing. Jesus continues with the story that the shepherd was willing to go after the one lost sheep. At all costs, the shepherd pursued the lost sheep, knowing that his other ninety-nine were safe. That's the image of God's love - he pursues those who are lost. He finds them, he rescues them, and he brings them back into the fold. (You can read this story for yourself in Luke 15:1-10 in the New Testament Bible).

Anyway, that was the story told to the children, but the way the teacher started was by asking them, "What would happen if you were at the mall and got lost from your mom or your dad?" She was trying to direct them to the conclusion that their parents would go looking for them, but that was not the response she got. Nope! These kids were NOT going to wait on their parents to resolve their lostness. They announced they would find a mall security guard or go to a store clerk or go stand by the correct exit. They would use their cell phones (yes . . . THEIR cell phones) and call or text their locations. They would yell, "Mom!" or "Dad!" again and again until their parents located them. If someone tried to abduct them they were going to yell, "Stranger!! This is not my mom!!"

It was very amusing to watch the teacher ponder how to re-phrase her question to get her point across, but I found the whole thing quite fascinating for another reason. These kids had no intention of remaining lost. They were proactive sheep and the sooner they got back with the shepherd, the better. No waiting around for them! They had a plan and they were determined to implement it. Yes, yes . . . they finally recognized that their mothers or fathers would be looking for them too . . . just like the shepherd in the story, but these kids had given this a lot of thought. They were not going to passively accept their lostness!

I couldn't help but see a parallel between these proactive little lambs and the proactive nature of abuse recovery. Many of us can point to specific moments or encounters when it was apparent that God was mysteriously at work to help us find our way forward to a place of health and balance. At the same time, there is nothing passive about your part in this forward motion of abuse recovery.

You've got to be a proactive sheep who knows the shepherd is on the move, seeking and finding those who are lost, but you've got a part in this rescue, too. Like those proactive children in church, start looking for help. Look for people, opportunities, and environments that will help you anchor into a strong, healthy life and . . . stay anchored there! Make some noise and don't be content to stay stuck in the thickets, hearing the wolves circling. Clamor for help! Rock the boat until someone who can help notices your need and assists you to get where you need to go. Make sure you're choosy about who you go off with, too! And if that person or group tries to force you back into a corner where you're once more devalued, degraded, silenced, or disempowered, don't you dare think you've got to go with them!

One of my favorite authors is Anne Lamott. In one of her books, she identifies two kinds of prayers that people need to know. One is: "Help me! Help me! Help me!" and the other is, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Let me second that observation! I say it often, but abuse recovery is about militancy for freedom. It is a pit-bull determination to go after what you need and not let go, no matter what! It is the "Help me! Help me! Help me!!" prayer! Abuse recovery - as these very wise children noted - is about being like lost, yet proactive, sheep! And when you feel the comfort and strength of God's love leading you safely to the road of recovery, then you can proactively practice that other wonderful prayer: "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Just a Reminder

"It is important to remember that we all have magic inside us."

-J.K. Rowling

Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

Your Self

In a recent conversation I had with my six year old grandson, he made this statement: "Ya know, Grannie, I'm really pretty awesome!" Well, he didn't have to convince me of this, but what struck me was the matter-of-fact way he said it. He was pretty much letting me know that facts are facts, it was true, and he had no doubts about his awesomeness. He didn't qualify it with the kinds of things many of us would use, such as "I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, but I'm really pretty awesome." Worse yet, many of us would never even say such a thing out loud for fear that it might reflect negatively in the opinions of others.

A bitter by-product of abuse is what it does to one's idea about self. It is a vampire, a devourer, a destroyer of self-image. The experience of abuse turns you inside out and that unspoiled belief that you are awesome is replaced with the wretched belief that you are worthless and insignificant. Over the years, this miserable belief turns into a toxic form of survival called narcissism. A narcissist is a person who is extremely preoccupied with self. They react to criticism with rage or shame and often exaggerate their accomplishments, requiring continuous attention. Almost everything a narcissist does involves his or her self interests or goals. They have extremely unrealistic expectations of others and often completely disregard their feelings, needs. Empathy is not a strong point for a narcissist. You might argue with me about you having any narcissistic tendencies because you have such low self-esteem, but isn't the essence of low self-esteem when a person thinks about themselves all the time?

Abuse took your legitimate needs to be valued, cherished, respected, and significant, and exploited them. You were manipulated, disregarded, overpowered, and misused for the gratification of your abuser. For a developing person, that creates a love-hate relationship with those legitimate needs. You think you're worthless, but search relentlessly for someone to value you - but if you find such a person, you raise the bar so high that they will never measure up, and then you explode. Of course that explosion can be external or internal, but either way, there's an intense reaction. It's a vicious cycle.

A real mark of abuse recovery is the change in how you think of yourself. Recovery is really a reclamation of your value, an understanding that you are worthy of being cherished and respected, and a rejection of exploitation. Positive self-esteem is a pretty good gauge that you are turning a corner. It means you no longer function as if everything is a threat to your very existence. Criticism is met with objective consideration - are the criticisms valid? Are they unfounded? Either way, your response is measured and balanced, rather than vicious and destructive. Positive self-esteem recognizes personal limitations and celebrates others who do not have such limitations. It also recognizes personal talent, intelligence, aptitude, and beauty without being ashamed of them or the accomplishments they may bring. Empathy and genuine consideration of others, without a hidden agenda, are natural for a person with positive self-esteem. When you reclaim your value, then you don't need the constant attention and adoration of others, nor are you easily threatened when attention is lavished on others rather than you.

Narcissism is really the manifestation of a broken child whose demands for safety, love, and respect have mutated into a monstrous, demanding adult who mishandles others, as well as self. Positive self-esteem is much, much more than having a warm-fuzzy-feel-good. It is the manifestation of a wounded person who is changing his or her worldview to embrace both your gifts and shortcomings, your beauty and your flaws, your strengths and your weakness, and consider the needs and perspectives of others around you.

Abuse breeds narcissistic tendencies. Abuse recovery breeds a positive self-belief. As you challenge ugly, narcissistic thinking, as you reclaim your worth, you will find that corner-turning child-like epiphany that unapologetically knows - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that you are pretty awesome!

Say it with me, “Ya know, I’m really pretty awesome!” And, by the way, you don’t have to convince me of that!


Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse

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Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

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This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
-Don McLean

Committed to Freedom . . . providing spiritual tools to help people move beyond abuse

Disclosure and Betrayal

I get a lot of emails and letters from abuse survivors who are stunned by the response of family, friends, and clergy when they disclosed their experiences of abuse. No matter how much these people may have failed them in the past; they still somehow believed that once the abuse is exposed, they will find support, acceptance, and compassion. Instead, they found the same old toxic dynamics, the same dysfunction, and the same sick system that harbors secrets and covers up abuse. In many ways, this kind of response is almost equal to the betrayal and trauma brought on by the original abuse.

Now hopefully, if or when you disclosed your abuse, or when someone you loved disclosed they had been abused to you, the response was appropriate, empowering, and an important step in your healing. Honestly, if that was your experience, you are a very fortunate person and I celebrate that with you and for you!

On the other hand, if you were handled poorly after you disclosed, you've got lots of company because this is, sadly, quite common. The reasons for inadequate or inappropriate response are quite revealing. I read an article just this week about an abuse victim in Belgium being urged by his Bishop to delay making a public statement about his abuse until the bishop who abused the victim retired. This is shocking! Outrageous! ... and not that unusual.

Abuse victims are frequently shunned by their families. Siblings and non-offending parents will often rally around the abusing family member, turning the victim into a scapegoat for causing such distress. The victim ends up being labeled as the bad-guy and the already deep wounds suddenly plunge much deeper.

In cases such as the one in Belgium, victims of authority figures often face tremendous pressure to remain quiet, to think of the needs of the perpetrator - particularly if he or she is older, or intimidated into silence. They are convinced they will not be believed; are accused of making things up about such a "wonderful" person; and asked to consider how difficult this will be on the church or school or club or the perpetrator's spouse or children.

To be handled in these ways is perhaps one of the most hurtful betrayals that victims can feel, second only to the actual abuse. There is no way to make this kind of treatment sting any less, but it is VERY important to recognize it for what it is: a continued system of victimization and exploitation. The message becomes quite clear: keep quiet and don't rock the boat.

When you need them the most, when you've disclosed the most intimate, exposing kind of crime, that's when you need support, to be believed, and to be protected. If that hasn't been your experience, then you will need to navigate through that additional layer of betrayal in your journey beyond abuse.

First of all, if you've not been believed or been intimidated, or even been accused, then those people or organizations have demonstrated - beyond a doubt - that they are not trustworthy. You won't move forward if you continue to expect appropriate advocacy or aftercare from them. They either can't or won't give it to you and you could use your precious little energy trying to make them be what they are not. It is terrifying to face the failures of others when you need them the most. It is devastating to see your family or your church or your group or your community rally around the perpetrator and leave you feeling violated and exposed.

Healing comes from being honest. It comes from facing truth and facts to determine reasonable and mature strategies. Healing comes from seeing people and groups as they are, not as you want or need them to be. When you see this, you will turn your energy and your heart toward others who will be what you need . . . who will be your friend, your advocate, your comfort, and your encourager.

Jesus clearly knew about the failure of people in one's deepest hour of need. He taught his followers that it is very appropriate to have boundaries with people who respond in such despicable ways. His instructions are: "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces" (Matthew 7:6). In other words, you are under no obligation to hand over your treasures - your heart or your hurts - to people who will mishandle that gift. Jesus said that if you do, they will rip your needs apart and then will turn and shred you, too.

To be further mishandled by your family, your church, or your community is absolutely devastating. Once this happens, be very careful about how much more you look to them for healing comfort and support. It is quite possible that you will need to look elsewhere for these very real needs of being believed, being respected, being valued, and being understood. To do otherwise is to enhance the abuse you've already suffered instead of finding your way forward with those who understand.

Written by Sallie Culbreth, Founder
Committed to Freedom . . . providing people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse