Why It's the Same Person Over and Over

Did you ever wonder why your relationships seem to end up the same way again and again? Why is it that the names and faces change - but it's really the same person packaged differently? Why do you draw people to you that always treat you the same way - no matter how good or bad things start out? Why are you drawn to those people?

A lot of it has to do with poor self-image. The vast majority of abuse survivors think poorly of themselves. They think they have no value, that they're disposable, dirty, and deserving of mistreatment. Those are just a few of the lies that feel like truth - pressed deeply into your heart and mind by your abusers and the circumstances that surrounded the abuse. It was during your early developmental years that you discovered relationships are terrifying, and that is a lesson deeply ingrained in your psyche. As you moved from being a child into an adult, you most likely were unable to successfully make the role transition from dependent child to equal adult with your parents or caregivers.

Poor self-image cripples your autonomy and individuality, leaving you to expend a great deal of energy to hide that fact. Even if you exude confidence to the world, there's still a voice screaming inside "I don't belong . . . I can't do better than this . . . I'm damaged goods that have little value." These lies are where poor self-image comes from and it is an active ingredient in how you relate to other people - how you find them and they find you. How you treat them and how they treat you.

Poor self-image creates anxiety and uncertainty about how you see yourself. It is based on what YOU think that OTHERS think of YOU. If you could somehow broadcast the underpinning of your thinking as you walk down the street or sit in a restaurant or ride on the subway it would sound something like this: "He thinks I'm fat and ugly . . . she thinks I'm a threat . . . they think I shouldn't be here . . . if I just adjust this, they'll notice . . . if I say this, they won't like me . . ." and on and on it goes. It's very noisy inside your head as you go about the task of day-to-day living. So your first filter through which you see and are seen is your self-image and what you think others are thinking of you.

When you are in relationships, you have high hopes about what you can expect from them - but you also have great fear. In fact, that fear is so huge that you already expect disappointment and distrust. When you seek out relationships, you seek people that "seem" to fit your high hopes, but you do so with blinders AND with your OWN defensive cover-up in motion. This is because you seek people who will corroborate your fears of disappointment or mistrust - they will eventually confirm what you think about YOURSELF!

After a relationship wears on, the disguises dissolve and you are both left with frustration, disappointment, anger, and the realization that the OTHER is not as strong or kind or wonderful as you had hoped. This is because poor self-image prevents you from being honest in the EARLY stages of a relationship. You cannot and will not risk exposing your beliefs about yourself - your beliefs that you are NOTHING. Another variation on this same disguise is that you believe YOU are the one who can make your partner believe he/she IS something. This eventually drives your relationships into a perpetual guessing game.

With poor self-image, it is difficult to communicate because your ability to negotiate is minimal. At first, because of the insecurity and dishonesty, you develop relationships in which you believe you should be fused together, rather than function as independent individuals. You enter relationships to GET - to find qualities in others that you lack OR find qualities that are actually an extension of yourself and your self-image.

Your relationships quickly dissolve into power struggles - with a winner and a looser, rather than a partnership of individuals who respect each other's strengths and are sensitive to each other's weaknesses. Your relationship may most often be characterized by the "it's me OR you!" mentality - which is extremely dysfunctional and immature. Functional and maturing relationships are most often characterized by the "it's me AND you!" foundation of equal partnership with ample give-and-take as its bedrock.

The poor self-image disguise can cause you to communicate in a covert way. The more covert the communications, the more dysfunctional the relationship is. When unacknowledged, ignored problems are finally exposed, then the myth of happily-ever-after explodes.

At the core of how you draw or are drawn to people is a self-image built around false beliefs, desperately wondering if you are loved or wanted. As long as your facade is firmly in place, your communications will remain covert, you will live your life based on what you think others think about you, and your expectations will be a toxic mixture of unrealistic expectations and paralyzing fear.

Good relationships - functional relationships - are built on YOU loving yourself, first. No one is going to love you enough to make you feel good about yourself. No one is going to give you all that you need to make the past okay. If you think poorly of yourself - because the lies feels like the truth - then the most perfect child, partner, friend or colleague will never be able to convince you that you're wanted. You will place expectations on them that no one can fill and will set out to prove that they can and will fail you.

Your healing journey can expose lies which will be replaced by truth - truth that you have value, that you deserve respect and dignity, and that you can form collaborative, mature partnerships with people. As those truths occupy more and more of your interior thoughts and exterior actions, you will discover you have the ability to embrace functional relationships. You'll not be afraid to have personal boundaries. You'll not be a score keeper. You'll not discard yourself or others. You'll not lose yourself trying to fill a need that no mere mortal can completely fill - and subsequently - you'll be drawn to others who confirm your beliefs and respect you.

Hatred - The Forbidden Emotion

Often times, Christian people use denial as a kind of pseudo-faith. If you pretend it's not there, then you can pretend you've released it to God or that it is no longer an issue for you. Of course, we all know that denial is a cheap substitute for faith. It's a cheap substitute for the enduring impact that is possible when the hard issues are faced head-on. There are many reasons we practice the pseudo-faith of denial. One of the primary reasons is "I shouldn't be . . ." thinking.

"I shouldn't be thinking this . . . I shouldn't be feeling this . . . I shouldn't be wanting this."

Of course, whether you should or shouldn't - if you are, YOU ARE! If you pretend something isn't there, when it is - you're going to spend much more of your energy suppressing that reality than if you actually DEAL with that reality!

That being said, I want to address the emotion of HATE. Yes, yes . . . I know good Christians don't hate, but the truth is, many of us do. I'm going to be very transparent here in hopes that it will help you to honestly evaluate your own feelings. Here's the shocking truth: There are people that I struggle to not hate. Not dislike . . . not irritated by . . . not annoyed with . . . HATE! Here's another shocking truth: There are also experiences and circumstances in my life that I hate. There! I said it out-loud and if truth-be-told, you could probably say the same things.

Hatred - particularly for people of faith - is a forbidden emotion, unless - of course - you're talking about hatred of sin or hatred of evil. Those are acceptable forms of hatred in Christianity (and often used as justification to act hatefully toward those we feel embody sin or evil). I'm not talking about those kinds of hatred that we hold up as "acceptable hatred." I'm talking about down-and-dirty hatred of fellow beings or certain experiences.

Hatred can hit you like a ton of bricks - knocking you over all-at-once. It can also hit you in waves with an ebb and flow of intensity - that knock you over, give you a chance to stand back up, and then knock you over again. Whether the bricks or the waves, hatred has a way of being an energy vampire that drains the very life right out of your soul.

Hatred that is sustained for years is most certainly a poison to every part of you now and in the future. We see that reality played out on the news every day as centuries-old hatreds keep very ancient wounds fresh and raw. I know I'm not telling you anything new when I point out that sustained hatred has a way of escalating until it erupts to destroy you - and not just you - but oftentimes, innocent bystanders, too.

The ebb and flow hatred is a sneaky kind of hatred. You feel it intensely - the ton-of-bricks kind of intensity, and then is fades into the background for awhile. Life goes on and you don't experience it as keenly and then WHAM! Something happens and the quiet "ebb" side of the cycle is replaced by the tidal wave "flow" of the cycle and you're thrown off, once more.

I'm a strong believer in process. Honestly - at least for me - most of my life changes have not come in moments of flash epiphanies, but in the gradual shifts of how I think, how I feel, and how I live. I think the same thing is true with the intense and forbidden emotion of hatred. Bricks or waves - it takes awhile to regain balance when you feel hatred. Hatred is usually complicated. It is mixed in there with injustice, betrayal, violation, trauma, and very real damage - being or having been perpetrated on you or someone/something you love. It takes time to pull these complicated strands apart and examine each one to find a place of balance, of peace, and yes, even forgiveness.

In this process of dealing with hatred, it might be helpful for you to consider these steps:

Acknowledge the hate that you feel - both to yourself and to God
Determine how much these feelings of hatred are causing harm to you or to others
Assess how much energy is being diverted to hate rather than to living above or beyond this person or situation
Consider releasing yourself from the penalty of this harm and damage (this is called forgiveness)
Strategically plan for the next time a wave of hatred knocks you over - so that you won't be caught off-guard or thrown off-course

I'll close with a conversation between me and God that I had recently. I have changed the names and the circumstances (because frankly they're nobody's business!), but hope this gives you a glimpse into how I process hate.

"Dear God, I just want you to know that I hate JSD with every fiber of my being. I'd like to see him suffer and die and rot in hell. Just thought I'd share."

"Hey, Sallie! I just want you to know that I understand your feelings. I've experienced that same kinds of injustice and cruelty that JSD inflicted on you and those you love."

"Dear God! I know you know . . . but I have to tell you that I don't want to NOT feel hate! I WANT to hate. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to be a gentle person of peace. I want to drop a nuclear bomb on JSD."

"Sallie, Again, I know the intensity of your feelings and know why . . . but I'd like to point out that if you hold on to this intensity for long, you'll become just like JSD."

"Dear God, Yes, I know . . . but it just seems so outrageous to FEEL anything but hate for JSD! How am I supposed to feel?"

"Sallie, You're supposed to feel like you feel. The problem isn't that you feel hate, it's that hate will eventually take over and you'll be completely powerless. You are giving ownership of your emotional and spiritual life to JSD and to hatred . . . and I'm pretty sure that's not what you intend to accomplish, right?"

"Dear God, NO! NO! Absolutely NO! I don't want JSD to have any piece of my emotions or spirit!"

"Sallie, Okay . . . so now you know what you don't want . . . which means you can release the parts of this that you have no control over . . . and gain balance and clarity so that you and I can determine what is the best and most productive way forward."

"Dear God, Could we start to work on that, please?"

"Sallie, We are . . ."

Hatred is a terrible task master. It's also a tenacious task master that will require all the honesty, strength, and clarity that your soul can find. It does no good to pretend it isn't there when it is. I also does no good to let it rob you of empowerment and personal peace. Unacknowledged hate will consume you and turn you into a bitter, mean, small creature that may eventually resemble the object of your hatred more than the beauty of your Christ-reflective soul.

Absolutes

When you see life in terms of absolutes, it's easy to experience your world as being narrow and small. Simple and exclusive. Now don't get me wrong. I think there are many things that are absolute and must be absolutely complied with. Gravity is absolute and if I don't work within the constraints of that absolute, I'll fall off of a building. However, within that absolute is the possibility to harness it, work with it through the laws of physics, and temporarily postpone the "must come down" side of the "what goes up" proverb (What goes up - must come down). We can fly - but only with our machines and our understanding of how to suspend falling - or how to control it.

Abuse survivors are - more often than not - people who thrive on absolutes. Life is black and white. Things are right or wrong. In fact, most of us live as if life is just one giant binary code - yes or no. On or off. Zero or one. It's easier that way. It gives you a sense of having control and staying within range of what is comfortable for you. The problem is that this absolute way of thinking and being can turn you into a rigid person who is incapable of growth and incapable of fully participating in the richness of life.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it is VERY important to know what your personal standards are, to hold firmly to your faith, and to be clear about your values. At the same time, you must develop the ability to hear others, to consider different perspectives, and to respectfully engage in ideas that challenge you. Abuse creates a distortion of ideas and perspectives. It fortifies the damage by pummeling you with false shame, a false sense of responsibility for what happened, and a distorted interpretation of what happened to your body. One thing that keeps wrong thinking firmly intact is rigid absolutes.

You might see people as all bad or all good. You might also think of yourself as either hideous or glorious. Perhaps you smother everyone you know or you push them away. These are the kinds of absolutes that prevent your movement beyond abuse. You interpret the actions of others as being a direct threat or challenge if there's disagreement or difference. You carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders because you're certain no one else can do it. You think everyone is out to get you or that everything is a threat.

Growth takes place when you discover the world is larger than your absolutes. Only when you begin to challenge these absolutes - many of them based on the lies from abuse - will your unclenched fist flower into an open palm, ready to receive the truth of who God made you to be and the freedom to live without being bound by binary thinking. Even if you never waiver from your beliefs or your practices, to live those beliefs out in a world that you understand to be different from you is a huge mark of maturity, particularly for an abuse survivor.

Abuse restricts a survivor’s view of self and others. Growth beyond abuse enlarges that vista so that the color grey is recognized between black and white, the word "maybe" is an option between yes and no, and that right is sometimes wrong, as the apostle Paul observed when he wrote, "Everything is permissible - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive." (1 Corinthians 10:23). Growth beyond abuse is possible with absolutes are replaced with firm convictions, when personal empowerment is dependent on how you think of yourself, not what others think of you, and when you celebrate diversity without compromising your personal integrity.

Resurrection Scars

The events of Easter weekend commemorate something bloody, disturbing, traumatizing, and terrifying. From the outside looking in, a relatively harmless, obscure man was abandoned by his friends, kissed in a way that brought condemnation and wounding, betrayed by his religion, tortured by society, sold out by those in power, and assassinated by all who were involved. He faced all of this alone, without any kind of emotional or practical support. He was just one of thousands who faced similar fates during that era in history. The waking nightmare was so hellish, that this man even felt abandoned by God, which led him to cry out to a silent sky "My God! My God! Why have your forsaken me?"

No matter how you spin the story, it is cruel and barbaric. And yet, over the next few days, millions of people will revisit it in vivid detail, and in that, they will draw enormous comfort and hope. The reason for this includes the torture and assassination of Christ - that part of the story can't be discounted. But the comfort doesn't come because of the events remembered on Good Friday. The comfort comes from the events remembered on Easter morning.

If you think about it, Christ was Creator embedded in Creation. The creative energy of everything that exists, existed in this star-man. It stands to reason that the exquisite wonder of creativity had no choice but to once again bring life where there was none - to bring order out of chaos - to bring love and peace out of cruel torment - to bring light out of darkness. We call it the Resurrection.

To me, the wonder of Easter - the miracle of the Resurrection - isn't that it happened. I think the greater mystery is that it took three days! That it didn't happen in an instant. That there was a savoring of death before there was the re-creation of life.

If you read my book - No Longer Alone - I spend a great deal of time discussing the affinity that Christ has with abuse survivors, and vice versa. Creator embedded in Creation gave people an intimate glimpse into God's heart - One filled with love, One who values peace and justice, One who makes it abundantly clear that each of us has value, potential, and limitless life. People experienced something new when they encountered Christ. I also believe that God experienced something new when he encountered us.

There's a further insight that I believe Easter weekend can offer to abuse survivors, which I mentioned earlier. After all the horrors of Friday, after the heart-shattering trauma, Christ waited. His resurrection didn't happen immediately. Even knowing the beginning from the end, he remained in the vacuum of trauma and death for awhile - languishing in the dark unknown.

Why? Why didn't the resurrection occur as soon as he was pried off the cross? Why didn't it take place when the stone was rolled in place? And finally, why is it important for you to see this as you approach Easter weekend - as you move through your own dark unknown, searching for life beyond abuse?

You can see your own experiences of abuse in the crucifixion of Christ. Betrayal. Affection being used as a weapon. Abandonment. Torture. Injustice. Isolation. Shame. Exposure. Humiliation. Feeling completely separated from God. Those are some of the more obvious experiences of commonality abuse survivors have with Creator embedded in Creation. But in that space between the trauma and the sunrise on the third day, there was a dark Saturday.

In your abuse recovery, there is the dark Saturday when all you can do is sit - even languish - with all that has been shattered. There is little comfort at this stage of recovery. It follows the "Why have you forsaken me?" terror and the "It is finished" conclusion. But the beauty of Christ - Creator embedded in Creation - is that we have been shown a way to move beyond what was done to us. This is an important thing to meditate on as you wait for that stone to be rolled away - as you wait to re-emerge as a shimmering being, so luminous that you absolutely know you have been given a new life. A life beyond abuse.

One final thing I'd like to point out as you approach Easter weekend. When Christ emerged from that tomb, he emerged with scars. The resurrection didn't eliminate the scars, but the scars no longer kept Christ entombed. Your scars won't either. They are what they are - scars. They are not an indication that you lack faith or that Christ hasn't done a deep work in you. They are scars. You have them, so did Christ. They are monuments of what you've suffered, but they are also monuments to where you are going - beyond the trauma - beyond the dark Saturday - beyond the stone as it rolls away.

This is Easter weekend. Grieve on Friday. Meditate on Saturday. Celebrate on Sunday. You walk on the same path that our Creator embedded in Creation walked - one beyond savage cruelty and toward love, joy, and peace that is beyond understanding. Happy Easter.

Dirty Little Secret

Abuse is possible when people take advantage of the power differential in their relationships in order to gratify themselves. In sexual abuse - it's sexual gratification. In physical and emotional abuse - it's power and control gratification.

Shame and fear are the lock and key that keep abuse secrets hidden. False blame and false responsibility create the shame and fear. After all, if you believe that something you did or didn't do caused the abuse to happen - then you can hardly justify asking for help. If you got a reward, got special treatment, or felt your first pleasurable sensation during abuse, then you can rationalize the false shame. These are just a few of the strong reasons that those dirty little secrets from your abuse occupy so much of your interior energy. They keep you in the perpetual mindset of victim - fearful, ashamed, and self-protective.

But I want to address another dirty little secret that perpetuates the cycle of abuse to another generation. That's the one that has to do with the way you treat people who depend on you - those who are small, weak, or incapable of fully caring for themselves.

I want to say this clearly. No matter how good your intentions are, no matter what kind of a childhood you had (be it good or bad), there are moments for all caregivers when they absolutely want to annihilate the little darlings that are theirs to care for. A child or vulnerable person's "job" is to push the boundaries in order to discover where they are and how to live within them. A caregiver's job is to create and enforce those boundaries, but to do so with flexibility, fairness, and a good dose of compassion and humor. BUT . . . and it's a big one . . . if we were all to be honest, there are just days when you're sure if you had a machine gune, you'd use it to level the entire neighborhood. The good news is that most of us don't act on that! The bad news is that we want to - or that we partially act on it with our words and actions.

As I said, abuse is possible because abusers misuse their power and control, and in doing so, take away the power and control of their victims. For the victim, that horrid sense of being powerless is almost unbearable. That out-of-control sense sets them up to seek out feelings of empowerment, but this is often done in a very unbalanced or irrational way. It is also done in a very secretive way.

When faced with a less powerful person who challenges you - challenges your authority, your agenda, or your expectations - you can find yourself in a complete, irrational rage. It is important that you recognize WHY this reaction is so intense: it is a trigger that re-attaches you to the horrid sense of being powerless. Your intense reaction could set the stage for YOU to become the aggressor/abuser, if you're not careful.

There is also another variation to this dynamic: that because you feel so helpless to handle the very normal challenges of being a caregiver, you can feel as if you're a helpless victim again. The only problem is that THIS time, you're not the child who was the victim of your abuser, but it may feel as if you're the victim of those who you're caregiver for. This is especially true when they express normal aggression or sexualized behavior. Because you may not have a sense of what is and isn't normal - it all feels very threatening to you, which can cause you to feel like you're being victimized by the ones you are caring for.

While there is much more to these possibilities than I have time to write about here, there is one important aspect to both of these responses. Whether you become the unbalanced, irrational aggressor or the unbalanced, irrational victim of those you care for, both of these responses become one more dirty little secret. Like the dirty little secrets of your own abuse, these are locked in and untended because of your own shame and fear.

The impact this has on your ability to appropriately care for others cannot be overstated. If you feel helpless, out-of-control, shame, and guilt - you're not going to reach out for help. You're not going to let someone who is experienced and wise guide you. You're not going to have access to resources to help you be an appropriate caregiver. You're not going to risk exposure, and in doing so, will cause tremendous damage to those in your care as well as to yourself.

Secrets trigger shame and terror. Wisdom and maturity are not easily threatened and are not afraid to say to others, "I need help! I don't know what I'm doing!" If we keep these kinds of dirty little secrets about our relationships with those we care for, there is a very real possibility that the cycles of dysfunction and even abuse will be perpetuated to the next generation.

Familiarity

A number of years ago, I was in Tajikistan teaching a seminar. If you don't know where that is, it borders Afghanistan and China - it was part of the former Soviet Union. The culture and language could not have been more different from mine. Of course, that's what I love about traveling - exposure to new and different experiences, traditions, and people. So there I was, the guest speaker - speaking through a Russian translator. As long as that translator was with me, I could function pretty well. But the true test came at my first meal with the group. I was on my own and no one was nearby who spoke English.

All eyes were on me. Everyone chattered and smiled. A large plate of osh - which is rice, chick peas, carrots, and a bit of meat, all fried together - was placed in the center of the table, along with a huge kettle of hot tea. We each had a bowl and a fork. Through grand motions from those around me, I figured out they were waiting on me to take the first bite. Sooooo . . . I took my fork and heaped the osh into my bowl. The minute I did that, the whole room erupted in laughter - which confused me greatly! Then, a kind young teenage girl pointed to her bowl, poured the tea in it, and plunged her fork into the mound of osh and took a bite. The bowl was for the hot tea! The fork was for me - and everyone else at the table with me - to eat from the common plate of osh! I truly felt like an outsider. It was fun for all of us, but still - I was profoundly aware that I had no idea what was being said, what the customs or practices were, and what was expected of me.

When you grow up in a dysfunctional home - especially where there is also abuse - that is your native culture. You know the customs, you know the language, and you know the rules. No mentor or translator is needed. You know what is expected of you and you know what to expect. Unhealthy, destructive, and self-defeating thoughts and patterns don't require any effort or thought. They're a natural outcome of your "normal."

Now, that doesn't mean that your "normal" makes you happy, keeps you healthy, or gives you peace. In fact, it is the intensity of pain, depression, rage, or self-sabotage that can eventually push you out into the unknown territory of healthy, functional people. But let me say this clearly - no matter how much you want to change, grow, and move on - the discomfort you feel because you're in a strange land - with strange language, customs, and expectations - that discomfort will be a force to contend with. This is especially true at first. That's why it's so difficult to move beyond abuse. It is completely foreign to you.

You may feel so alienated from a new, healthy way to live, think, and behave - that you run back to what you know best. Even though you tell yourself and God that you want to change - that you want to live a new way - when it comes to putting one foot in front of the other on this foreign soil - intentions can go right out the door. It can feel like you’re the center of attention in a room full of people who are nothing like you, and scooping osh into your teacup - never knowing it was meant for tea. But like my experience in Tajikistan, I've learned to accept the kindness and guidance of others who know what is appropriate.

Yes, it feels awkward at first. You might even be reluctant to ask for help or to watch the natives or use the few words of their language that you've picked up along the way. After all - if you admit you need that kind of assistance - you may find yourself back in the familiar state of feeling small, vulnerable, and out-of-control. That sensation alone, can be a trigger to send you packing back to the way it's always been. But growth is about risk-taking - GOOD risk-taking! Not the reckless, destructive risks that are part of dysfunction, but the risks to function in a new way that won't harm yourself or others.

Before you know it, you'll grow more at home in this new land. You won't be quite as homesick for sickness as you were at first. You'll learn to appreciate the new language, practices, and expectations of maturity and health. One thing I learned a long time ago about traveling. Find someone who knows the language and customs and stick close until you learn what you need to know. Then, venture out on your own and test those new phrases, those new ideas, and those new customs. It won't be long before you pour the tea in your bowl and dip your fork in that osh plate - and you won't even think twice about it!

The Screaming Other

I can have a calm exterior and you'd never know . . . just like other people never know about you. They don't hear it, but you do. I call it the "Screaming Other." You take an examination that you've studied and prepared for. The Screaming Other is yelling, "Failure! Looser!" You've lost weight and gotten some new clothes; the Screaming Other is calling you a fat slob. You confidently stand up for yourself, but the Screaming Other is chipping away at your strength. You share hope and faith with someone who struggles like you have, and the Screaming Other is calling you a hypocrite and a phony. You are sober and clean, but the Screaming Other is making so much noise in your head, you wonder if going back to drugs or cutting or risky sex wouldn’t just be easier. You work hard to get an education and professional skills, but when you sit with your peers, the Screaming Other is telling you that you don't really belong there and everyone knows it.

The Screaming Other has one goal: to continue the destructive work of abuse. It makes sure that the lies that felt like the truth when you were small and vulnerable, still push you aside and shred you to ribbons. I say this often, but it bears repeating: abuse causes the lies to feel like the truth, and the truth to feel like a lie.

The lies from abuse are deeply embedded in how you think, feel, and interpret events and people around you. Some of these lies include the belief that you're disposable or unwanted, that you're never going to be good enough, that no matter how hard you work, you'll always be a second-class person.

Over the years, I've had to get pretty aggressive with the Screaming Other. I remember one particular retreat I taught many years ago. I was going through some very tough spiritual growth that left me feeling shaken and unclear about some fundamental issues. That's the way it goes sometimes, even when you lead the charge, you can still find yourself slugging it out with your personal issues. During this retreat, I did what I always do - I shared the love of Christ, pointed the way to hope and peace, and taught with every ounce of strength I could find. Throughout the ENTIRE three days there was the Screaming Other yelling non-stop in my ear, "Liar! Liar! Liar!" And I was mentally and spiritually screaming back, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" It was exhausting, but I worked hard not to lose my focus which would have robbed me and the retreat participants.

A big chunk of the battle with the Screaming Other is to know there IS a Screaming Other. That the Screaming Other is there to reinforce the lies from the past and push you to self-sabotage or do damage to your relationships and your potential. The lies that feel like the truth need to be recognized. This starts with examining the lies. How did abuse make you feel about yourself? About life? About God? About other people? When you go through that process of identifying the lies, then you have awareness. They no longer blend in with your emotional, mental, and spiritual landscape. The stand out like glaring eye-sores and you see them for what they are: lies.

Take that awareness and listen for those same lies coming from the Screaming Other. I think a big secret to abuse recovery is to pay attention to familiar patterns. The Screaming Other isn't coming up with anything new. It's the same-old-same-old. It attempts to push you back into the small, weak, vulnerable, exploited victim role and keep you there.

Get mouthy with it. Tell it to "SHUT UP!!" Laugh at it. Expose it. Confront it. Show your teeth. That Screaming Other is just the cowardly echo of a past abuser and all the damage that coward did to you. Speak the TRUTH to the Screaming Other. Let it know that you're not a victim anymore. That you have value, potential, and hope. That you have chosen to move beyond it and leave those lies behind in a trail of dust.

It isn't easy to shut up the Screaming Other, but I've discovered - in my own journey beyond abuse - that the Screaming Other diminishes in strength and influence as you aggressively counter lies with truth. That's where freedom begins, anyway . . . with truth. TRUTH sets you free - and silences the Screaming Other.