Just a Reminder

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.
-Sally Field

Third Party Perception

When I was a young adult, I worked in a large corporate office as a receptionist. I answered phones, took messages, and put people on hold. Now for those of you who don't know me, I'm a pasty white woman. I'm so pale and my skin is so transparent that my blue veins can easily be seen. I'm not a big fan of the sun, so I maintain this hue most of the time. Always have - unless I am sunburned to a crispy, lobster red! That's kind of my spectrum - either pasty white or lobster red. Anyway, one day at this corporate office, I answered the phone. It was a girl from another department calling for my supervisor. It was summertime, which meant I came to work in sandals. As I motioned to my supervisor that she had a call, I overheard this girl discussing how ugly my legs were because they were so blindingly white. It was an odd experience to be a third party and listen to someone talk about me when they thought I wasn't listening. Sure enough, I looked down at my legs and almost needed sunglasses to deflect the glare. She was right and it was humorous.

Have you ever been part of a conversation where concern for a friend or loved one was being discussed? I'm not talking about gossip, here. I'm talking about people discussing real concerns and observations about one they care for. The words are not guarded. The concerns and cautions are not filtered. There is an honesty in what is seen and observed. "She's self-destructive" or "He's on dangerous ground" might be heard in these kinds of conversations. Often these kinds of observations have fallen on deaf ears by the one being discussed. Either that or the ones who see these things are too intimidated or tired or cowardly to be so blunt.

I've often wondered what would happen if the person being discussed could be a third party, just listening to the feelings, fears, and worries of people who care about what is going on. Would they be able to hear the truth? Would they recognize the hearts and wisdom of those who are speaking? Would they finally be able to accurately see themselves in the mirrors of honesty?

These are questions we all need to ask about ourselves. The fact is, many abuse survivors are so defensive or so combative that people won't risk the conflict of being honest. They realize that their concerns will be met with hostile rejection and nothing constructive will come of it. Other abuse survivors are so passive or inebriated or busy, that the concerns of others will be met with shrug or a snub. They either actively or passively push back at the thoughts, observations, and opinions of others or quite literally block any clear view of themselves in the mirror of honesty.

It is important to cultivate honest feedback from people with wisdom and awareness. This is not to say that you roll over and play dead or that you blindly follow with unquestioning obedience. That's not what I mean. I mean giving yourself and others permission to be honest. To take a deep, exposing breath, and hear not only WHAT people are cautioning you about, but also understand WHY they have concerns.

A teachable character - a teachable and open spirit - is a significant factor in abuse recovery. You'll never become healthy if you can't listen to uncomfortable truth. You'll never mature if people tip-toe around you when they want to discuss difficult issues or point out areas of concern. In other words, if you were hidden in a room where your loved ones were discussing you, what do you think you'd hear? What do you think they'd say about your choices, your lifestyle, and your direction? What do you think they would discuss? What would their concerns be? What would they say about your willingness to hear such things?

It is important to step outside of yourself from time to time (not in a dissociative way) and hear what you need hear as if you are a third party to the conversation. This third party perception will help you to more accurately chart the healthy way forward. It will help you to see with greater clarity and then take action based on honest truth rather than eggshell-thin facades.

It's not always pleasant. It's certainly not easy. It IS, however, vital to your maturity and journey to move beyond abuse.

Written by Sallie Culbreth
http://www.committedtofreedom.org

Just a Reminder

Forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness.

-Timothy Keller
The Prodigal God

Abuse Recovery Tip

On day's like Father's Day, determine to become the person you always hoped others would have been for you.

Weak Levee of Denial

You've probably heard the saying: "Denial - it's not a river in Egypt." That's true. But if it were, it would eventually flood and move past its banks causing a great deal of damage or loss. It will put so much pressure on poorly built levees that they will eventually crumble, leaving a trail of destruction that can cause as much - or more - harm than the actual swollen waterway. Denial is deadly. It solves nothing and often exacerbates already difficult issues or circumstances because they go unchecked, untended, or unresolved.

It's easy to understand why denial is the "drug of choice" for abuse survivors. Abuse is ugly. It is often filled with shame, secrets, terror, danger, and pain. If you remain in denial, then you don't have to deal with a shattered family, broken relationships, or the difficult questions about why people didn't protect you or how they could do these things to you. The problem is that even though you don't acknowledge the problem, the problem is still there - festering, bulging, and pushing through your weak levee of denial.

At the time of your abuse and all the trauma associated with it - denial may have served as a buffer between your ability to function and the complicated trauma of abuse. The problem with denial of HOW these experiences impacted you THEN - and impact you NOW - is the pressure-building that goes unchecked. All of the energy that could be used draining that pressure is instead used to metaphorically hang paper murals that are painted to look like a solid steel and concrete dam. It’s a façade.

One of the great challenges in breaking through denial is the confusion between acknowledging reality and telling the world.

• Acknowledging reality can be as quiet and simple as writing in a journal without self-editing or self-restraint.
• Telling the world, on the other hand - can create a firestorm for which you may or may not be prepared.
• Acknowledging reality may require you to take a good hard look in the mirror, rolling up your sleeves, and getting to work to reclaim your life.
• Telling the world, on the other hand can create a sense of exposure that may not be constructive or good for you.
• Acknowledging reality may involve seeking the help of trusted, wise, and competent counsel.
• Telling the world, on the other hand, can give the wrong impression that everyone is invited to give their input and direction.

Denial will take an enormous toll on your health - physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It will cause pressure to build, but because you're in denial - all of that toxic energy will probably be spent destroying the people who really do love you, living beneath your potential, perfecting your bark without sharpening your bite, and living in complete captivity rather than in complete freedom.

Rather than contributing to the pressure that will eventually burst the levee of denial, how much better would it be to gradually drain off this pressure in a controlled and responsible way? This is done by acknowledging truth – what you know. The first one who needs to acknowledge your truth is YOU, but you aren't the only one who needs to know. Abuse recovery is rarely accomplished by yourself. Denial is rarely dismembered alone. You will need support, wisdom, and guidance from other sources. God. A trusted friend. A skilled therapist. A good book. Any of these will be important structural components to manage the weight behind whatever truths you've been trying to deny.

Denial is an inadequate attempt to contain the difficult issues from abuse. We saw the results of inadequate levees after Hurricane Katrina. The strongest levee you can build to find personal empowerment, spiritual freedom, and the path to move beyond abuse involves truth, not denial.

Abuse Recovery Tip for the Day

Take a ten minute walk or ride. For each of those minutes, intentionally look, listen, touch, or smell one new thing that brings you joy - such as the sight of an elderly couple holding hands, the sound of a passing train, the refreshment of cool water on your hands, or the smell of a fragrant flower.

Just a Reminder

The possibilities are numerous when we decide to act and not react.
-George Bernard Shaw

Abuse Recovery Tip for the Day

Start an emotions log. Note when you have intense or disruptive emotions. Note where you are, who you're with, what you are doing, what you were thinking, how you acted on or wanted to act on those emotions.

Healing Levity

I want to start out by saying that there is absolutely NOTHING funny about abuse. NOTHING! The damage is extensive and long term. The scars are massive. The pain is unimaginable.

That being said, there is a place for humor and levity in the abuse recovery process. If you put yourself in the shoes (or more accurately sandals) of Christ, you see his sense of humor revealed again and again. Think about Mary and Martha. I can see him grinning to himself. Think about the multitude of times when he shook his head and pretty much asked his disciples how much longer he had to put up with them. The people he surrounded himself with, the environment he taught in, and the stories he told are filled with real-life joy and humor.

It's important to point out that humor and levity are not the same as cynical and snarky. Rather, they are lenses through which you recognize the truly funny moments in life. And there are - after all - some very funny moments in life – everyone’s life, including yours.

Many abuse survivors are notorious for being pessimists. For believing that not only is the glass half empty, but it's probably got a crack in it somewhere and will be bone dry in an hour. On the other side of that continuum, abuse survivors are also notorious for hiding behind humor as a way to never deal with the deep throbbing places in their souls torn by abuse and dysfunction.

And yes - for those of you who have been reading my articles for awhile - this, too, is all about balance. It's about living somewhere between Eeyore and Tigger (Winnie the Pooh Reference written by A.A. Milne in 1926). It's about recognizing the obvious - that yes, there is some really bad stuff going on, but being determined to find joy. To find silly, ridiculous hilarity. To intentionally look for laughter. To recognize that if you dwell on nothing but the wretched horrors that saturate television and the internet and the newspapers, all of your energy you might have to spend on living in a healthy way will be depleted - consumed by tunnel vision for the awful, rather than the panorama which unfolds when all of life is included.

Humor doesn't come at the expense of others. It doesn't come through denial or minimization. It comes through intentional sight. Intentional listening. Intentional touch. It's a search for the ironic and celebrating what you discover. Nowhere is this more important than with yourself. To take yourself a bit less serious - not in a self-deprecating way, not to belittle or devalue - but to just lighten up a bit. To laugh at your quirks and not feel threatened when others laugh at them, too. To embrace your wonderful, unique, flaws and decorate them with glow-in-the-dark paint (figuratively speaking . . . or maybe not).

There is a Scripture in the Hebrew Bible that states: "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." (Proverbs 17:22). Becoming healthier involves cultivating a balanced relationship with the difficulties of living in a flawed world and the hilarity of living in a flawed world. It is, indeed, good medicine and good for you. Children and animals are good places to begin noticing this good medicine. Expand outward from there.

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage is damage that is incidental to the intended outcome.

To point to your abuse and pin all the issues and damage you face on that one factor would be simplistic - at least for most abuse survivors. Abuse occurs in a context, and sometimes that "context" can be just as damaging as the abuse.

For example, I know a man who grew up in a pastor's home. His father was very harsh, demanding, unforgiving of any mistakes, and emotionally unavailable. His mother was terrified to express any opinions or to cross her husband in any way. This man was sexually abused by one of the church deacons who showed him kindness, tenderness, and acceptance. It took him years to recognize that the scars of sexual abuse - as bad as they were - were overshadowed by the brutal environment of his home life.

Perspective is so important when addressing the damage of abuse and trauma. You have to be a bit of a detective - identifying what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and the context in which it happened. In warfare, when there are unintended casualties or destruction, it is called collateral damage. That means whatever the actual target, much more damage actually occurs. A bomb targeting a house that takes out not only that house, but the neighbor's house and cars on the street - that's collateral damage.

Abuse of any kind targets a vulnerable person for exploitation and mishandling. The abuser misuses the power differential between him/herself and the victim. That is one aspect of the damage that seems quite obvious. The other aspects that can cause considerable damage include the environment or relationship dynamics that made it possible for the victim to be victimized in the first place. In the case of my friend, his parents created such a neglected and needy boy, that the predator had easy access to him and took full advantage of his horrific home life. The abuser caused some of the damage, but there was also significant "collateral damage" done to him due to neglect and other forms of abuse.

In many ways, overt abuse is sometimes easier to overcome than damage that is much more difficult to identify. This can often lead to minimization of the actual abuse - particularly sexual abuse - because it might implicate others you dare not think of as contributors. It might also lead to magnification of the actual abuse that may actually be larger than it really was. For my friend, it was easy to villinize his sexual abuser. The sexual abuse became THE focal point of all his rage, all his addictions, all his problems. Yes, the sexual abuse was PART of that damage, but not ALL. In fact, you could say that the sexual abuse was really the collateral damage of his parents' neglect and harsh treatment.

Sometimes, survivors want simple explanations for what happened to them and why it did so much harm. THIS was right. THAT was wrong. SHE was bad. HE was good. That would be nice - it would make recovery so much easier - but it's rarely that clear. Seeing the context will help you to more fully understand the collateral damage you struggle to overcome. Taking the time to be an investigator of your life story will put things into perspective. This will - in turn - help you to focus on the real issues.

You may struggle to acknowledge that your grandmother's passivity left you unprotected from your grandfather's advances. You may protect your drug addicted brother, whom you love and feel sorry for - but who also brought unsafe people into your home that abused you. You may focus all of your rage on that ONE incident that happened when you were eight, and completely ignore the years of verbal abuse, abandonment, and neglect. Each strand of your story is one worthy of being addressed - worthy of seeking help for - worthy of the care and attention it needs if you are to move beyond it.

The truth - for many of us - is very disturbing, tragic, and terrifying. However, all of the damage - both direct hits and collateral damage - cause wounds that need tending. As you do so, you will find a new truth has the opportunity to emerge - the truth that you are more than all that was done to you. As you do so, you find that much of the negative, self-destructive energy that has kept you bound to the past - becomes diffused and no longer effective.