Resolution: No Resolution

Abuse survivors tend to be people who actually think they should eat the whole elephant at one time! Unrealistic expectations are often directed not only at others, but at yourself, too. Perfection is a wretched task master, as you probably know. You either work yourself to death trying to achieve it, or you're so overwhelmed that you never even try. Either extreme is remarkably unhealthy for you.

At this time of year, the bar of unrealistic expectations is set particularly high. We've just finished Christmas - a holiday marked mostly by marketing as far as what it is supposed to be - perfect tree, perfect family, perfect food, perfect clothes, perfect body . . . perfect nonsense! But wait! There's more! Now we're looking at a new year - an artificial click of the clock that makes what happened at 11:59 pm different than what happens at 12:01 am. You'll be bombarded by weight loss programs, make-over’s for your kitchen and your wardrobe, challenges to pray more and read your Bible more, to improve your credit score, and on and on and on.

But I'd like to bombard you with this thought: How about no resolution for your New Year's Resolution? What would happen if you chuckled at the pressure to change something suddenly and walked away with a knowing-smile - aware that true change takes place reasonably, realistically, and rationally. Not happy with your weight? Then strive to make your next meal healthier - just your next one! You never know, you might decide to do the same thing for the one after that and the one after that, which might lead to a healthier weight. Want to be more familiar with the Bible? Then read a section today, and then meditate on it until it means something to you. You never know, you might read the next section and then the next, which might lead to a deeper understanding of the Scriptures. Want to remodel your kitchen? Change the light switch cover and maybe the cabinet pulls and THEN see how you feel about a project of that magnitude.

If you set the bar so high that you'll never achieve it, then you become discouraged and either quit or feel like a failure or drive yourself nuts. New Year's Resolutions are fine if they're reasonable and realistic. Abuse survivors can often see them as "all or nothing" decisions, and that's not good for you or anyone else. I'm still learning this in my own journey. I have to deliberately choose to stay in this moment - to celebrate when I accomplish a goal, such as eating a healthy meal or savoring moments with family and friends. So here's my New Year's Resolution: No Resolution! Consider that for yourself, too. Happy New Year! Woohoo!!

Prepare The Way

And now, May Christ escort you with abundant love, extravagant purpose, and deep comfort. May you flourish, grow, and mature beyond all of your wounds. When you find yourself in darkness, remember that your Guide sees clearly the path that you should take. May you find balance, respect, kindness, and healing. May you celebrate the wondrous being that you are and celebrate that wonder in others, too. And now, these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:14).

Eternal Connection

Think about your beginnings - your earliest, earliest memories - and then try to remember YOU before that. Can you consciously remember the moment YOU became YOU? For that matter, even if you are facing death at this moment, you still have this inner sense that you'll somehow continue on in another form or in another dimension. It's a mystery that you might be able to explain scientifically . . . "when an egg and sperm unite, a human being is born . . . when the body ceases to function, a human being dies. . ." but your own personal reality is perceived in a different way. You've always been. Now there may be others who were there the day you were born, or who may be present at the end of your life - but you experience yourself as one who is eternal. Formed in the image of God, you are a spiritual being whose origins are connected to an eternal Creator.

Living as we do – confined to a body, to time and space – is a lot like a bird who suddenly flies into a tunnel, confined and unable to soar. Essentially, we slip into this life through a tunnel of flesh and bone, blood and nerves, where we remain until we find our way back out of the tunnel and into the open. When Jesus confined himself to this same tunnel with us, he brought a light with him. Unlike you and me, Christ never lost awareness of his divine identity, of his true self. The rest of us have lived in the tunnel and forgotten that we are sons and daughters of God.

There are times in our tunnel that the dark, damp places are terrifying. There are times when we look around and honestly believe this is all that there is. There are also times when we see markings on the tunnel walls of those who have gone before us and we learn, perhaps even turning back to help those who progress behind us in the tunnel. Nevertheless, for right now, that tunnel is all we know as "normal." And yet, we all push toward something beyond the tunnel. I think it's hope . . . desperate, desperate hope and longing for home.

I think the way most of us live resembles how I feel when I'm in a New York City subway trying to use my cell phone. The connection is either inconsistent or non-existent. To get a good connection, I will have to find a good signal. That's like our perpetual pushing - the spiritual pushing that has propelled us through the tunnel in search of mystery and hope. It implies that we instinctively know there is a signal somewhere. In our tunnel we bump around in the dark, lifting up our tiny little spiritual cell phones, hoping to catch a signal.

Love it or hate it, the world knows that right now, it's Christmas. This is the time Christians have designated to celebrate the moment that God entered the tunnel with us. Christ - the Light of the world - came to be our Light in this dark tunnel, showing us the way to reconnect with our eternal, sacred selves, created in the image of God - beings so shimmering, that God was willing to live in the tunnel with us for a season, so that we could discover true Light and follow Him beyond the tunnel.

"In him (Jesus) was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."John 1:4-5

Rituals

The word "ritual" can have a very traumatic meaning to childhood abuse survivors. Let's face it - for many of us, there was certainly a ritual - a routine - that set up the grooming and the abuse scenario. Those rituals are part of the complex layers that make abuse recovery so challenging. Sometimes these routines are also associated with larger religious or cultural rituals - such as holidays. That's why holidays can feel so depressing or chaotic, and produce such high levels of anxiety or panic.
Personally, I've worked hard and come a long, long way in my journey beyond childhood sexual abuse, and yet I sat in church recently and was bombarded with flashbacks. I had to quickly pick up my recovery tools and go to work unraveling why these flashbacks hit me with such strength at that particular moment. After a few minutes, I recognized that it had to do with the way this particular church was decorated and the songs being sung. Once I clearly saw this association, I was able to speak the truth to those flashbacks and remind myself I was not a child being groomed. I was an adult, sitting in a beautifully decorated church, hearing wonderful music of hope and light.

That's the power of ritual. You know what is happening, you know what is going to happen, you know the routine. I believe that part of personal empowerment to help you move beyond abuse comes through reclaiming the power of ritual. Rituals can be powerful and comforting. The rituals of church liturgy and music, of graduations and weddings, and yes . . . the rituals of holidays, can be deep and profound for you. Even frivolous rituals like pep rallies before a ball game or brushing your teeth before bedtime can bring joy and anticipation. Rituals are powerful because they prepare you for events and they structure how that event is experienced in known and predictable ways. Rituals are also powerful because they can be shared experiences with others.


This Christmas, take the time to create new rituals or embrace familiar ones that will prepare your heart and your life for the celebration of the Prince of Peace. Your rituals don't have to be like those of others - but can be practices and routines that are meaningful to YOU. I don't know what those will be for you, but I DO know this: rituals do not belong exclusively to negative or traumatic experiences. You can reclaim the beauty of rituals by making your practices and routines a part of your spiritual and cultural celebrations. Prepare, enjoy, and savor what makes you happy, what connects you to God, what fortifies precious relationships, and what reminds you of hope and joy.

For me, Christmas rituals that are meaningful include going to our hometown Christmas parade, watching movies I've seen a hundred times before, listening to music, worshiping at church, and eating Chinese food on Christmas day on paper plates. Now . . . what rituals do YOU need to incorporate into your routine to reclaim this season (and to reclaim your life) as your very own - to be anticipated, celebrated, and savored?

p.s. Oh yeah - I almost forgot one more! Alvin and the Chipmunks singing "Christmas Christmas Time is Here!" is also a highly revered ritual sing-a-long, as long as we sing it in "chipmunk voices." Ho! Ho!! Ho!!!

Seeing Others Through Your Own Eyes

Ever wonder why you're so distrustful? So possessive? Is it possible that you see others not as they are - but as YOU are? Is it possible that your childhood abuse experiences have completely clouded an accurate assessment of what motivates others?

These are difficult things to consider and will require a great deal of honesty from you. In fact, to truly assess how deeply abuse impacts your interpretation of others may cause you to see things that must be changed within yourself. In my own journey beyond abuse, I've seen ugliness in me that rocked my world. I've had to take my own mask off and recognize who put it there and why I kept it there. It has been messy for me a few times, but I've found that as difficult as honest introspection is, to remain unchanged is even more painful.

Let's take the issue of trust, for example. Anyone who experiences abuse - particularly childhood sexual abuse - has known devastating violation of trust. Broken trust, and its subsequent impairment of one's ability to trust, can color every single relationship you have. I'm going to write this as carefully as I know how to - and hope I make myself clear. There is something deep within many abuse survivors that not only distrusts others, but causes you to distrust yourself, too. My abuse called into question (in my own mind) my ability to accurately judge a situation, to effectively know who was good and who was not, to believe in my own worth and value.

So if I do not believe I have much value, then I'm going to view anyone who is drawn to me with great suspicion. If I don't honestly think I have good judgment, then I'm going to be in a state of perpetual second guessing when it comes to people who are near me. This can translate into very chaotic relationships with those you are close to - because at some level, you're expecting them to betray you. It can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy as you push and pull - trust and suspect, embrace and push away.

Possessiveness is a close cousin to the trust issue. Again, the thinking is the same. You're not sure that you're accurately judging a situation or reading the motivation of others. Because abuse has damaged the value you believe you have, you secretly wonder if those you care about value you, either. Trust is terrifying because it makes you vulnerable. It implies people are free to stay, but also free to leave. Because your terror of not being cherished is so overwhelming, you clutch and smother and stalk and question the very people you hope will love you freely. To let them make that choice sends shock waves of panic through you. At the same time, you don't believe you are valuable enough to cherish, so you push away anyone who does. Why? Because you don't believe you are very desirable, not necessarily in a sexual way - but in a relational way, as one who has any value.

If your mind wanders from relationship to relationship, from person to person, experience to new experience - you assume everyone else thinks and believes this way about you - and thinks the way you think. You're afraid that you're just one more person in a long line of those who don't really matter - and you treat the ones you care for as if they believe about you, what you believe about yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are definitely people in your life who are not going to value you or be trustworthy. But I wonder how many abuse survivors sabotage relationships because we're projecting onto others what we see within ourselves. If you think you're disposable, you believe others think the same way about you. If you think you're sick and twisted, you believe others are, too. If you don't trust yourself and what motivates you, then you most likely don't trust the motives of others.

The great challenge for you is to unravel what you believe about yourself - how much you trust yourself and your motivations. Then consider that line of thinking and see if it is unfairly projected onto those people who are important to you. When you take the time to analyze your beliefs about yourself, then you can separate your thinking from the actions and beliefs of others. This gives you the opportunity to see people with a more accurate perspective. You are free to work on your own issues. They are free to be who they are - good or bad, trustworthy or not - you will see them with greater clarity. That translates into healthier relationships that you don't sabotage quite as often.

Food

Many behaviors and lifestyle choices of abuse survivors are energized by the issues of power and control. When you're abused, someone misuses their power and control over you. With that misuse, they take away YOUR power and control, which - in turn - can send you on a lifelong search for enough power and control to not ever feel threatened or small or vulnerable again.

When sexual or physical abuse happens, the victim's body experiences sensations - such as pain and even pleasure - that are completely out of your control. This can create a deep (and false) sense that the body has betrayed you by being weak, small, powerless, or sexual, which can set you up for a lifetime of unhealthy habits and practices.

One common area of difficulty is with food. This difficulty can run the gambit. For some, there is virtually a practice of deliberate starvation, which is commonly known as anorexia. For others, there is a practice of deliberate gluttony, over-eating which can lead to obesity. For others, there is the practice of binge eating and then purging, bulimia - a pattern of blinding gratification followed by blinding punishment and regret. There are some who are so afraid of going without food that they hoard it and even hide it in every possible nook and cranny of their homes, vehicles, and work. To the outside person looking in, these unhealthy ways of dealing with appetite and food make no sense. That may even be true for you - you don't understand why you have such a difficult relationship with food.

If you scratch beneath the surface of your eating patterns, it is about much more than food. It is about power and control. When you had no power and control over what happened to your body during abuse, then there is nothing more powerful than to exercise complete control over it NOW with your food habits! Of course, because - like everything else - your food habits formed around traumatic experiences (such as abuse) - then how you view food and your body are distorted by that trauma - that awful sense of having no control.

It bears mentioning that abuse survivors are most often people of extremes. We tend to be all-or-nothing kind of people. Rather than enjoying food in a healthy and balanced way, it's either starvation or gluttony. It's either way too much or way too little. One of the most vicious cycles with food is the horrid sense of losing control - of overeating, feeling shame, and then either eating more or starving more or vomiting because shame has triggered an attack of hopelessness.

These feelings of being overwhelmed, of being ashamed, of rigid control, can cause your relationship with food to be so dysfunctional that you do further harm to your body and to your general health. Of course, that can subsequently impact your emotions and can lead to depression, irritation, and even anger that can go sideways.

Your body is yours. To overindulge, under indulge, or both, is you way of trying to exercise control over what happens to it. Personal empowerment results when you recognize that you have as much of a relationship with food as you do with your family and friends. Food is a significant part of your life that must be managed with balance and respect. Respect for yourself and respect for the body you put it in.

Another contributing dilemma is the culture that many of us live in. It has cultivated a very unhealthy environment for food and its consumption. We're bombarded with all-or-nothing advertisements that have skinny people munching on 2,000 calorie burgers. We have healthy looking children exclaiming how awesome junk food is. We even have entire television networks dedicated to food preparation - but not just preparation. There are a remarkable number of programs on where we literally watch people going to restaurants, eating and commenting. It's almost like pornography!

I think it's easy to eat (or not eat) when you're on auto-pilot, when you do what you do without thinking. Food - and your relationship to it - is a difficult thing to be functional with, particularly for abuse survivors. The thinking goes something like this: “It doesn't matter. Why bother when I've been like this for so long. I'll do better tomorrow, this one time won't matter.” Of course, it does matter, because this is not about food. It's about power and control - and your attempt to exert control over something very personal, but doing so in a dysfunctional way.

Every bite counts. Too many or too few - they count. The WAY they count is that they reflect your own beliefs about your worth, your body, and your health. That’s where your attention and evaluation need to begin.

How Long?

In my opinion, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (by Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg) is one of the most wistful, melancholy, angst-filled songs I've ever heard. While I love Judy Garland's version, the one that always melts my heart is sung by the late Eva Cassidy*. She seems to have nailed the longing that so many of have for something beyond what we have known. When I need to touch that place of longing in my own soul, I listen to her rendition. Not only is this song one of yearning, it is also one of hope - that there is, indeed, another place "where dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true."

The obstruction to that discovery of something beyond, seems to be the insurmountable ones of time, space, and uncertainty. In fact, the question, "How long?" is one that fills the heart of any suffering or struggling person. It is a question asked quite often in the Bible.

The psalmist asked, How long will the wicked, O Lord, how long will the wicked be jubilant? (Psalm 94:3); "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:2); and "How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?" (Psalm 4:2).
Moses asked, "How long will these people treat me with contempt?" (Numbers 14:11)
Solomon asked, "How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?" (Proverbs 1:22).
Job asked, "How long will you say these things? Your words are a blustering wind." (Job 8:2)
Even Jesus asked, "How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?" (Mark 9:19).

I remember when I was a child, growing up in a military family during the Vietnam war, I had a calendar with numbers on each day of the year, counting backwards. We had a date my father would return from war and each day on that calendar marked one day closer to our separation ending. I also remember when I was in labor with our first child, I asked (more like screamed), "How Long?" and screamed it more than once during those long twenty-four hours!

The question, "How Long?" seems a bit more bearable when you have a target date to focus on – like a father returning from war or a baby about to be born. But for abuse survivors, there most likely is no target date. No moment fixed in time when - once you cross it - you won't struggle, won't remember, won't wince or panic or fear (I’m not speaking about heaven here!). That's when the question, "How Long?" feels as illusive as this wistful song. "How Long?" can blind you to what is happening in the present - good and bad, pleasant or difficult.

I grew up in a faith tradition very focused on the after-life, on heaven. While that may be comforting, it can be thrown out of balance if it means you fail to live this day with the importance that it deserves. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful that we have a "blessed hope" of something beyond what we know - beyond our suffering, but I also know that what we have at this moment IS . . . well . . . this moment.!

I've lived long enough (almost 56 years) to be very grateful for what I know now. I wouldn't trade my knowledge and life experiences for anything - not even being cute and twenty and strong and energetic. With time spent on this earth, we can learn how precious each day is, each relationship is, and each opportunity is. Don't get me wrong - I hate suffering as much as the next person, but as valid as the question, "How Long?" is, that's not the only question you need to ask. Other questions - whether your life circumstances are positive or negative, whether your journey is arduous or joyous - might be, "What can I learn about myself through this?" "In what ways do I need to change and grow?" "What about this is worthy of dignity and celebration?" "What about this can I use to help others in similar situations?"

One reason I think that "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is so melancholy, is that it looks THROUGH the rainbow, not at it. The truth is, from the smallest child to the oldest adult, the sight of a rainbow can take your breath away and cause you to squeal, "Look! A rainbow!" In your journey, there is beauty and wonder in each step - each painful step - on your way to find out what's beyond this moment you've got. Live it to the fullest. Extract from it all there is to have. Use it to change yourself, to alter the future, and to make a difference for others who find themselves on the same path.

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high . . . there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue . . . and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me . . . where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly . . . birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh, why can't I?"

You’ll be there someday, but for now, dear ones, be sure to catch a glimpse of that rainbow, too. It makes the “How Long?” question a bit more bearable.

*to hear Eva Cassidy's rendition of Over the Rainbow on YouTube, paste this link in your web browser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccCnL8hArW8

Control Over Trauma's Legacy

"A problem that can't be solved isn't a problem - it's a fact. The problem is how to deal with the facts." Frederick H. Kanfer.

Therein lies one of the great challenges for abuse survivors - how to deal with the facts. The problem is, most of us live in an auto-pilot kind of ways - ways that we learned during abusive circumstances that served as a teacher for our behavior, thinking patterns, and feelings. This often results in self-sabotaging behavior, chaotic thinking, and unpredictable feelings. When you combine this auto-pilot way of living with the stresses of current relationships, work, finances, and health - it quickly becomes a cluttered, toxic mess.

A good exercise to help you assess how your auto-pilot is harming you is to think about a situation that was very upsetting to you. It can be recent or in the past. Be specific. Next, identify how that situation negatively impacted your feelings. In other words, what emotions do you now connect with the situation? After you identify your emotional reaction, identify the correlating dysfunctional thoughts you have or had with those emotions. Now answer this question: were those feelings and thoughts rational and sound or illogical and irrational? As you find yourself distanced from that situation, what could have been a more rational response to the dysfunctional thoughts you had at the time?

Real change - healthy change - begins when you interrupt the auto-pilot. That involves thinking about situations a bit longer before you say or do anything. It involves self-monitoring, too. An extremely helpful practice is to become an observer of yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts, your feelings, and the pressures that your auto-pilot is putting on you. Then monitor those things in order to keep an eye on where they go. This sounds like an enormous - and unnatural – effort, which it is! At least it is at first. It is often helpful to seek out wise friends or counselors who will help you rehearse or role play how to think and respond to triggers that remind you of the past, and to current situations that may be difficult for you to manage. It is also helpful to ask God to guide you into healthier thinking patterns.

The beauty of real change is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. There is a Scripture in the New Testament that states, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he (or she) should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (or her).” James 1:4-5.

The fact is that once you learn to self-monitor, to take the time to think and pray before you say or do anything - you replace the sabotaging auto-pilot with a new one - an auto-pilot who is aware, rational, and careful. As these changes take place gradually over time – with practice and determination - the cluttered, toxic mess is replaced with a more ordered, grounded, and rational way of living.

Dealing with Dysfunction

No matter how far you've come in your personal healing journey, no matter what decisions you've made or changes you've implemented, when you are in dysfunctional relationships, you've got some very real challenges. Some of these relationships may be long-standing and others may be recent additions. Some of these may be with your abusers or family-of-origin, others may be with your partner or boss or child. All of these require an extreme amount of energy to navigate through, but the dysfunctional one I want to address here is the one you may have with your abusers or your family-of-origin.

Relationships from your childhood or youth go down deep into your soul. Even if you haven't seen these people for years, they are entwined in your heart and mind. "Tangled" may be a more accurate way to say it!

I know I write about this a lot, but relationships can often make or break your progress - especially the dysfunctional ones. So let me point out the obvious:

• You already know these people. You know their habits, behavior, and attitudes. You know how quickly things will deteriorate. In fact, you can probably set your watch by it, it's so predictable. So there are few surprises. The only surprise might be good behavior!
• You already know how they push your buttons. You know what they do that drives you crazy, breaks your heart, or sends you into the closet to eat an entire cake or the bar to drink an entire bottle. In all honesty - you know how this works, so again - there are few surprises.

So to deal with dysfunction means that you recognize the obvious and adjust accordingly. Here are a few suggestions that might help you deal with the dysfunctional people in your life. Use them as a springboard to come up with your own strategies, and then stick to those plans!

1. If possible, limit your time with them. Not only face to face time, but phone time, email time, or text time.
2. Screen your calls and turn off technologies that make you accessible when you've had enough. It's better to connect when you're prepared, stable, and centered, than to feel pressured to be instantly available.
3. When (not IF, when!) they do or say the predictable, have a plan in place to keep you focused on health and peace. Build in exercise time, recreational time, or activities that you truly enjoy. Make sure your strategies are not self-destructive. If you sabotage yourself, then you don't have a strategy - you've just bought into the dysfunction.
4. Reject their negative energy. You know there are times when you can actually, physically sense the negative energy that some people project. Their angry or stressed or depressed thundercloud can literally fill a room if you let it. The moment you feel it invading your heart, mind, and body - push it away. Don't receive it. Do some deep breathing, do some deep thinking and praying, or excuse yourself and go outside for a moment. There are times when even the bathroom can become a haven from all the chaos of dysfunction. Use it if you have to for reasons other than functional! Go in there, close the door, turn on the water, and breathe deeply, stretch your muscles, and clear your mind and heart.
5. Examine why you feel obligated to these people and examine what that obligation actually means at this stage of your life. Perhaps it's time to rock the boat and stop participating in the dysfunction. Perhaps that's not an option and you need to figure out how to remain with them without going ballistic. Either way, take some time to figure out WHY you remain in toxic relationships and what you can do to keep that from becoming personally toxic to you.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but I also know it is part of being a healthier person. Boundaries, reality, and strategies go a long way in dysfunctional relationships. Take a deep breath - you're NOT going to change them. If that was possible, you already would have done so. This is about you becoming and staying healthy, regardless of how functional or dysfunctional your relationships are. These are a few suggestions to untangle this mess from your living and being. Sit with these ideas. Ask God to help you figure out your own strategies, and then follow through. As Jesus said one stormy night, “Peace, be still.”

Your Rights

There are times when abuse survivors can quickly get very confused and out-of-balance. This is particularly true when it comes to the issue of personal boundaries. How do personal boundaries work when it comes to your abusers or with those who were somehow connected to that abuse (directly or indirectly). How does that work with being a Christian?

I've seen the gambit of how this works. I've seen abuse survivors pressured by other Christians to reconcile with their abusers, pretend that nothing ever happened, and leave themselves wide open for further exploitation - or worse - leave their families open to become the next generation of victims by these people. I've also seen abuse survivors pressured to cut off anyone and everyone who had anything to do with the abuse, regardless of the circumstances. In other words, there is a lot of "all-or-nothing" advice floating around out there. Of course, these blanket, one-size-fits-all approaches rarely work because relationships and circumstances are rarely simple. It's also quite easy to tell other people what to do when you're not the one who pays the price for how those actions will be received.

The fact is that the relationships you may still have with your abusers or others who were somehow connected need to be navigated through with great awareness, wisdom, accountability, and truth. For some, your abusers may be people who should never see the light of day. They remain predatory, dangerous, manipulative, and perverted. For others, your abusers may be people who have taken responsibility for their actions, are deeply remorseful and truly penitent, and have become accountable to be supervised by others who will monitor their actions and attitudes.

One reason it is difficult to maintain boundaries with your abusers is that they violated them in the first place when they abused you! In some cases, they may STILL be violating your boundaries if you are unclear about what to do - about what your responsibilities are as a person of faith.

As you consider this, here are some boundaries that I believe you have the right to maintain with your abuser(s) and other relationships with people who were associated with the abuse (such as the passive person who did not protect you):

• You have the right to determine if and when your body is touched. (I Corinthians 6:19)
• You have the right to remove yourself from a situation where you feel degraded, devalued, or in danger. (Matthew 7:6)
• You have the right and responsibility to protect children and vulnerable adults from being abused. (Matthew 18:6; Mark 9:42; Luke 17:2)
• You have the right to withhold sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings if they will not be honored and respected. (Matthew 7:6)
• You are no longer a child. You are an adult. (I Corinthians 13:11)
• You have the right to live like an adult instead of a dependent, weak child. (I Corinthians 14:20)
• You have the right to use your voice - to express your needs and longings in a way that will honor God and protect yourself. (I Timothy 2:1)
• You have the right to say “No” and “Stop.” (Proverbs 2:11)
• You have the right to live your life to glorify God. (I Peter 2:12)
• You have the responsibility to give things that are sacred and precious only to those who understand and respect their value. (Matthew 7:6)

Let me encourage you to give consideration to these ideas - to these rights that are yours to maintain. These relationships are often not straightforward in how you're supposed to function. If you keep these individuals out of your life - out of the lives of your children and family - then there will be consequences that only you can weigh out - that only you can determine if it's worth it or not. That may be a completely appropriate and responsible course of action.

On the other hand, if you allow these individuals to have full or partial access to you and your children, there will be consequences to that decision, as well. This is not always black and white. It is in the gray areas that these boundaries and rights I have listed above may be helpful. Above all things, pray for guidance, wisdom, courage, and awareness as you consider how to proceed.

Question Authority

Right off the bat, I want to let you know that this article is NOT about politics!

I remember walking through my children's school when they were little, and a sign on one teacher's door caught my eye. It read: Question Authority. How different that message was from the one I grew up with in church, which charged children to obey authority without question. In many ways, my childhood sexual abuse took place because of this teaching. My abuser exploited that idea, groomed me to obey and comply without question, and commanded me to remain silent.

Predators know this about children. They know that children are taught to obey. They know that children are not considered fully empowered to the point that they can question those in authority. Authority such as parents, grandparents, or teachers. This is what they know and this is what they exploit. Of course, this is true not only of sexual predators, but of religious and political demagogues as well. When people believe they have absolute power which goes unchecked and unchallenged, then a climate exists for such atrocities as childhood sexual abuse or international genocide. History has plenty of examples which substantiate this. In many ways, Hitler and my abuser were the same person - one just had more power than the other - but it was the same mentality, the same exploitation, the same obscene misuse of authority.

Yes, yes, yes . . . I know that the Scriptures instruct us to obey those in authority over us, but (I know I sound like a broken record here) balance is the key. We're also given instructions to take time to study a situation, to stand up for our beliefs rather than bow to a contradictory belief, and to do everything within our power to make sure that social justice is protected for all. Blind obedience to people is just not the overarching message of the Judeo-Christian belief systems.

Our children will continue to be groomed by predators if we don't prepare them for the reality that there are some people in this world they do NOT have to obey. They are sitting ducks if we don't help them have a strategy - to help them think through what is appropriate and inappropriate - to help them determine what their safety net is, who they can go to for help, and even rehearse the words they can use if someone in authority attempts to exploit them. I believe this can be taught in a way that is entirely compatible with the teachings of the Scriptures - teaching respect for authority, respect for wisdom, and respect for power.

Questioning authority is not synonymous with rebellion. It is raising up people who can think for themselves. People who - as children - are empowered to say to an inappropriate pastor or a teacher or a parent, "No! You cannot touch me like that!" People who - as adults - can say, "No! You cannot oppress the poor! You cannot violate human rights!"

When children are taught to comply without question - even if that means they are sexually abused - they can become adults who continue down the path of re-victimization. Adults who are afraid to challenge anyone may find themselves once again lost to an ideology that diminishes their gifts, their value, and their potential. Adults who do not question authority may also be adults who do not defend their own children from predators. Adults who follow blindly will never discover the freedom that Christ showed through example. He shook things up. He turned tables over in the temple. He exposed abusive power. He taught everyone that rules are guidelines that sometimes do not make sense if they are obeyed without question (think about his healing on the Sabbath, for instance).

When those in authority - whether they rule over little people or over nations - misuse and exploit that power, it is our obligation to question. It is also our obligation to empower our children so they know how that is done. If we don't prepare them - if we don't practice this in our own lives - then they will be devoured, not as sacrificial lambs, but as exploited victims of unquestioned authority.

Whack-a-Mole God

The negative impact of abuse is far reaching. That's obvious. Spiritually, trauma can often obstruct the comforting journey that so many other people seem to have with God, but that bypasses you. Of course, there are many reasons for this, but the primary ones have to do with shame, powerful secrets, and dark emotions.

Abuse recovery involves actively challenging thoughts that tear you down, rather than build you up. For many of us, the way we think about God is actually quite destructive. God is seen as distant and cruel. Harsh and punishing. Suspicious and volatile. Some of these views may come from the kind of faith tradition you grew up with, but that may not be the entire story. Others may come from abuse's contamination of your spiritual journey.

To challenge this "Whack-a-Mole" view of God requires balance and respect for your walk with God. Yes, there are behaviors and actions that are not condoned in the Bible (or many other kinds of sacred writings). Yes, there are standards for living that are vigorously taught and practiced by many faith traditions which bring about the labeling of "moral" or "immoral." There is nothing wrong with these teachings or practices unless they become unbalanced and confused with the nature of God - which is love.

Love must remain at the core of all moral standards, faith practices, and religious rituals. That is vital if you're going to move beyond abuse with a healthy soul. In the Hebrew Bible, there are reminders of God's love, such as the passage that reads, "The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made" (Psalm 145:9). In the New Testament Bible, the concept of God as love is emphatically taught in passages such as 1 John 4:16, which reads "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love."

God isn't lurking behind a bush or around the corner waiting to catch you doing something wrong. God isn't floating around the cosmos rubbing his hands together just hoping you blow it so that you can be jumped. God doesn't sit on the edge of a cloud with a giant mallet playing Whack-a-Mole with you. Those are inaccurate - and ultimately destructive - thoughts that will rob you of a full, enriching, and comforting journey with God.

Those dark, powerful secrets from your abuse can keep you in a perpetual spiritual state of fear and dread, leaving you with a sense that you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. That's where abuse spills over onto what is meant to be a liberating journey. It's slavery. It's dysfunctional thinking that has nothing to do with morality or standards of faith. It contradicts everything Christ came to do in our lives. After all, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).

The Whack-a-Mole God doesn't exist. Challenge that thought every chance you get. Remind yourself - often - that the God who loves, accepts, embraces, and celebrates you - THAT's the God who DOES exist!


Seminar Discounts

For a VERY LIMITED TIME, we're offering deep discounts if your church or organization schedules one or more seminars for 2010. Committed to Freedom provides people with spiritual tools to help them move beyond abuse.

Each seminar will be offered for $750 and the sponsor will not be charged for the use of our one-time print permit to produce the required participant workbooks!

You must have these seminars scheduled no later than January 1, 2010. The required non-refundable deposit of $100 must be received by then as well. In addition to the seminar fees, sponsors are also required to cover the presenter's travel, lodging, and meals. At this time, I will be the presenter of the scheduled seminars in 2010. I hold a B.A. in Pastoral Ministries and an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling.

We offer three seminars (1) Responsible Care Training Seminar, (2) Beyond Abuse Seminar, and (3) Spirituality and Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery. Take full advantage of this rare opportunity to offer our life-changing, empowering - and now - more affordable seminars to your community!

Meds?

Taking medications for depression or anxiety is sometimes met with great resistance - particularly by people of faith. I want to address a few of those issues. Please understand that I'm not advising what you should or should not do. I'm just giving you a few of my thoughts, particularly about the spiritual implications of taking meds for emotional or mental issues.

First, let's begin with the facts. The fact is that trauma sends your body into a series of chemical chain reactions that can quickly cause a toxic imbalance. Each time you have a flashback from that original trauma, the same chemical chain reactions take place all over again. The imbalance continues, and that sets off a whole series of physical reactions that can cause real damage over time. You'll see this manifested in gastro-intestinal, neurological, or muscular malfunction, to name a few.

For many people, the emotional pain they're in is so debilitating they can't even begin to work on correcting wrong thinking, exploring abuse issues, or addressing unhealthy, sabotaging choices. That's why doctors and therapists often prescribe medication - to control the emotional pain so that the hard work of abuse recovery can begin.

People of faith often confuse emotional and mental problems with spiritual conditions. Let me be clear - there are certainly times when the condition of your spirit will deeply impact your emotions or mental health. For that matter, there are times when your spiritual condition can affect how your body works, too. This is because we're not pieces of a whole - we're a complex set of systems that must work together - one system affecting another which affects another which affects yet another. We get in trouble when this beautiful system of give-and-take gets out of balance.

I've heard ideas about taking medications - particularly medications for emotional pain - that deeply trouble me because of their glaring inconsistencies with other choices made when living with the benefits of a modern world. I've heard teachings that say if you take medication - any medication - then you don't have faith in God. This is inconsistent with examples found in the Bible where people used their wisdom, knowledge, and experiences to help alleviate suffering. Even the Apostle Paul told Timothy to drink a bit of wine for his stomach problems (1 Timothy 5:23). In other words - something created by skilled people could be used to alleviate Timothy's frequent illnesses (please note - this article is NOT about wine - it's about people using their knowledge and creativity to bring about change).

If taking medications is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should live in a cave without power or plumbing or lights because buildings and electricity and water supplies and toilets were invented by people. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, you should walk everywhere barefooted because shoes were invented by people to protect your feet. If taking medication is the equivalent to having no faith, then you should only eat food that you've picked from the wild or caught with your bare hands because farming, hunting, and fishing were invented by people. You'll not be able to cook anything, because fire was an invention of people. The fact that you're reading this article from a computer indicates you have no problem using the creative God-given power of invention.


Like electric lights or bicycles or the alphabet or grain millstones, God has given people an enormous capacity to learn, invent, and improve the quality of life. This capacity includes the invention of medications. Some of those medications cure infections. Some control blood pressure. Some correct brain chemistry so that emotional balance can be restored.

Like everything else, there's balance to this discussion. I've seen people so drugged out on psychiatric medication that they're almost like zombies. To me - that's as troubling as people who refuse to take medication when they need to. I've seen lazy doctors who would rather write a prescription than get to the source of a problem. I've seen people who only take advantage of part of the healing process - they take medication but don't work on faulty thinking or abuse recovery work - all of which takes a HUGE amount of personal energy and commitment to change.

God has given people the ability to alleviate suffering, to improve the quality of life, and to overcome otherwise devastating circumstances. That's the ultimate understanding of a life of faith. When we realize that the wheel was a good invention, we also realize that God gave us an enormous capacity to learn, reason, and create – even to create medication that can do tremendous good when used appropriately.

The decision to take meds for the emotional issues you have - particularly if you've experienced abuse - is very personal and very complicated. You'll need the diagnosis of a good physician, the guidance of a good counselor, and the personal commitment to do the hard work of becoming healthier. You may benefit from appropriate medications taken for a brief period of time. You may need medications for an extended period of time. You may never need that kind of assistance at all. Everyone is different. What works for you may not be appropriate for anyone else, and vice versa.

You are a spiritual, physical, and emotional being. All of those systems are delicately balanced to work together. When trauma - like abuse – interrupts that balance, steps will need to be taken to bring order back to that unfair chaos. Sometimes that will involve medications. Sometimes it will involve meditation or prayer. Sometimes it will involve exercise and a good night's sleep. Talk to your doctor. Do some research about alternative medicine too - such as homeopathic treatment. Learn about options that might be available and be very proactive in taking control of your life. Above all things – tend to your spirit and nurture it back to health, just as you nurture your mind, emotions, and body.

In Praise Of . . .

Just last week, we were having prayer time with our five year old grandson. Here's how he started his prayer, "Dear God, thank you that I was born. Thank you for ME!" Wow! What would happen if you began your prayers for the next ten days with THAT opener!

As the old saying goes, "Attitude is EVERYTHING!" That's a BIG problem for abuse survivors - we tend to focus on the negative, which then impacts our outlook, our thinking, our relationships, and even our health. Negativity is a VERY unfair legacy of abuse. In many ways, that's what keeps the damaging, sabotaging way you've functioned going. It's what sets you up for dysfunctional relationships, unhealthy habits, mental chaos, and spiritual despair.

Now please understand, I'm about as UN-Pollyanna-ish as a person can get, but I know the value of intentionally looking for positive things - even in the most negative of life experiences. That's not the same thing as denial, but it IS a shifting in attitude to recognize that there is wonder and even beauty in some very dark moments of life.

Interesting research has been conducted to see why two people can have the same traumatic experiences and one becomes incapacitated, while the other eventually recovers in a functional way. The difference between a resilient person and one who is less resilient involves positive emotion and positive outlook.

I don't think it's an accident that Jesus taught us if we want to understand the great, unknowable, cosmic genius of God, we need to become like a child (Matthew 18:3). I always regain focus and perspective when I'm around children (I'm also happy when they're asleep, too - and quiet can resume!). Kids are caught up in the wonder of life. When you were abused, people stole that sense of wonder from you and replaced it with a cynical, dark viewpoint. Well, our life experiences certainly introduced us to a disturbing worldview, BUT I believe that worldview can be directly challenged – challenged with intentional recognition of wonder. This intentional recognition goes beyond what is around you, it also goes WITHIN you!

Now, think about a strawberry. I know this sounds a bit crazy, but have you ever considered all that goes into a single strawberry that you get from a store? Someone planted it - someone who has hopes and dreams just like you. The Earth that God made nourished it, the rain watered it, and the sun warmed it. Another person - another being with hopes and dreams - did back-breaking work to pick that strawberry. An entire system of harvest, processing, transportation, marketing, and distribution made it possible to get that strawberry to you.

One of the self-disciplines I'm really working on right now is to think about the miracle of each meal, of each breath, or each moment of wonder. So today, I sing the praises of all who made that strawberry possible. I sing the praises of me. I sing the praises of the ONE who made it all possible. When I choose to live in praise of the little things and big things - then I build within myself a resiliency that can endure tremendous difficulty.

So, how can you live in praise of . . .? Let's practice! Repeat after me . . . "Dear God, thank you that I was born. Thank you for ME!" You might even want to throw in a few kudos’ for strawberries, too!

Dysfunctional Familiarity

Many years ago, I traveled to Honduras. I was the guest of some Americans who invited me there to teach several seminars. I love to travel and one the best parts of travel - in my opinion - is trying local foods and experiencing local customs. Well, imagine my disappointment when our first meal in Honduras was at an American restaurant chain. It was the same menu as the chain's restaurant in the United States, except it was written in Spanish. Before the week was over, I ate several meals at American franchise restaurant chains. They were all very familiar to me and there was absolutely no challenge to try new foods, experience new customs, or even the struggle to communicate with the wait staff.

I finally asked if we could please go to a local, mom-and-pop owned restaurant or cantina, which we did. As soon as we walked in, I was in a completely unfamiliar setting. I did not know what anything was on the menu, I struggled to communicate, and the setting was extremely different from what I was used to. I felt as if I didn't belong because I was in a very different setting that I was unaccustomed to. But I found that as I made an effort to understand and be understood, that both the workers and the customers were happy to help me find my way around. I stretched to try out my very rusty Spanish, but somehow managed to convey what I wanted to eat. I've never had such wonderful beans, rice, and tortillas in my life, but it required an effort on my part. I was a fish out of water in this small, grungy cantina - a place that was completely unfamiliar to me.

This sense of unfamiliarity is one reason that abuse survivors hesitate to try new approaches to life and relationships. For most of us, we are most familiar with dysfunction. The way we eat, relate, work, parent, partner, and live has been dysfunctional for a long time. So long, in fact, that we may not know any other way. As unhealthy as it is, your "normal" may be extremely self-defeating and ineffective. At the same time – that’s what you know. You know the menu, the language, the setting, and the customs. That's what feels natural and effortless.

When you start that transition to healthy choices, appropriate boundaries, and adequate self-care, you're suddenly in uncharted territory. You're not familiar with the language, customs, or settings. Abuse survivors often struggle when they feel powerless and believe me - when you're trying out "healthy" for the first time - your unfamiliarity with it can cause you to feel very out-of-control, even powerless.

You may actually panic and revert back to what you know best, rather than ride out that unfamiliarity until you become more comfortable. It takes a while to grow accustomed to functional living. It also takes time for the people in your life to adjust to your new way of living, behaving, and thinking. Of course, if you're getting healthier, it may actually feel threatening to the dysfunctional people in your life who might not want you to grow. That's when the panic can really set in if you're not careful.

Trying anything new brings with it a certain level of anxiety and uncertainty. That's normal. If you recognize that this sense of unfamiliarity is a normal part of the healthy growth process, then you've already conquered it. It is what it is. When you know that, you can also develop strategies to stabilize yourself if you panic or feel like a foreigner.

You know, the best meal I had in Honduras on that trip was as that grungy cantina. It was worth the effort and the uncomfortable feeling of not understanding anything. As I pushed through those obstacles, I found there were people willing to help me, unknown tastes and experiences that turned out to be wonderful, and a deep sense of personal pride that I went beyond the familiar - in my case the American restaurant chain - to really have an encounter with the very culture I wanted to be a part of. You'll have those same moments in your journey from familiar dysfunction to healthy choices. While it may not be your "normal" at first, that too will change over time - and you'll feel a deep sense of personal accomplishment and pride when it happens.

Complexities of Damage

People often wonder why their experiences with childhood abuse impact them so deeply. Why does the damage live on and on in so many of us? Why isn't it like a scraped knee that heals up so that you can just move on? Why do you struggle with anger or depression or fear or chaos or addiction or dysfunction decades after the abuse ends?

That's a complex question and the response is equally complex. The complexity rests in the fact that nothing in your life occurs in a vacuum. The perpetrator. The people who wouldn't or couldn't protect you. The time and place. The circumstances that facilitated the abuse. Your own physical, mental, spiritual, and social needs and conditions at the time. These - as well as many others - are all part of the context in which your abuse occurred.

Abuse - the full context of abuse - changes the way you think about yourself and the world. The way you think about trust and security is altered. The way you approach relationships is overshadowed by pain or terror or fear of abandonment. The value you see in yourself and others is skewed. That context of abuse is imprinted in your mind and heart and becomes the navigator. If you're not careful, you will live on auto-pilot with this navigator steering you to sabotage relationships, devalue yourself, withdraw, attack, or disappear.

The context of abuse teaches you that safety and goodness are not necessarily guaranteed. That lesson is often learned very well and the complexity of that lesson is that it's based on reality. You weren't safe. Bad things did happen. But the other part of that reality is that there are, in fact, good and decent people who are not out to abandon or harm or exploit you.

The complexities of abuse's damage can determine how you cope with stressful situations now. You may work very hard to be self-sufficient - avoiding the need to need anyone. You may cling or obsess or be hyper-vigilant. You may pretend that your past doesn't include the disturbing experience of abuse. You may drive yourself and everyone around you crazy with your anxiety, your fear, and your rage. It's complicated.

The path to becoming healthier requires a recognition that your dysfunctional beliefs about yourself and the world - maybe even God - are not determined solely by the actual abuse. It is larger than that. It is the context. Life - your life - is still lived out in a context. The challenge is to separate the context that you function in today from the context in which your abuse occurred. They are not the same. Even if the same people are in your life - even if you're in the same town and the same house and the same room - it's different. If nothing else, the difference is that you're seeking personal empowerment and a healthier path. That alone, is a huge step to re-arranging the context of your life today.



September 11, 2001
The anniversary is upon us. To commemorate this brutal atrocity, let's work for peace, and strive to be people of grace and mercy. There is no better way to honor those who lost their lives than to be the reflect the love of Christ in this dark, sad world.

We will never forget. Never.

Vertigo

I've struggled with vertigo a good portion of my adult life. Yep, you might say I'm a dizzy blond (bad pun, I know). Vertigo is a very disorienting condition. The room spins, regardless of whether you're standing, sitting, or lying down. You lose your balance. You get nauseated. In some cases vertigo can completely incapacitate you! Once, I had a episode so debilitating I couldn't even give a telephone interview for a radio program!

For abuse survivors - abuse of any kind creates that same sense of vertigo. In this case, however, it's spiritual and emotional vertigo - sometimes physical, sexual, and relational too. Abuse is very disorienting when it's happening, but the damage doesn't end there. It completely spins your world around and can continue to create internal and external chaos and confusion for years.

Vertigo is usually caused by tiny calcified bits in the inner ear. Medications are not particularly effective in controlling the symptoms. My doctor told me the best thing I can do to control vertigo is to take care of the source in my inner ear. She explained that it's like dissolving sugar in tea. You have to stir the tea to dissolve it. So my "treatment" as well as prevention from further episodes is to lay on the edge of my bed with my head hanging off, and roll from side to side for a few minutes. And you know what . . . it worked! Dealing with the problem, versus treating the symptoms, helped substantially in controlling and even reducing the vertigo episodes.

There's an obvious correlation here when dealing with your abuse “vertigo.” Covering it up, numbing it, or pretending it doesn't exist - none of these are really effective strategies to be able to function for any sustained period of time. While it would be nice to just take a pill, drink a drink, or click your heels three times and "poof!" everything's fine - that's not the way it works.

Abuse recovery is a pro-active way of living. That's not a statement of despair; it's a statement of empowerment. Some people think that the task of making on-going healthy choices means they're doomed to struggle for the rest of their lives - that they'll never be "healed." I think it's just the opposite. I think the moment you make a healthy choice - a proactive choice, you're already there. Every step you walk on this path of being a healthier, balanced person is miraculous and powerful and amazing!

To lie down and be dizzy is one thing. To lie down, even though you ARE dizzy, and roll around until you dissolve that bit of debris - that is proactive! That effort - metaphorically and spiritually - means you have empowered yourself to get up, find your bearings, and catch a more accurate view of life. Each tiny step you take, each proactive choice you make - big or small - brings you into a place of more accurate perspective. It gives you a glimpse of what it is you're working so hard for.

The Love Hate Experience With God

This is an article about honesty . . . and honestly, I have a love/hate relationship with God. I've been on the up and down roller coaster of belief and doubt, righteousness and debauchery, faithfulness and apostasy. I know that's disturbing to a lot of people, but God gets that completely . . . gets me completely. Gets you completely too.

Let me be the first to admit that I don't have many answers, especially when it comes to God. Honestly, the ministry of Committed to Freedom began because of my own spiritual search for answers to questions that really have no good answers. The dilemma for anyone who has experienced trauma or suffering is to have co-existing contradictions. God is love. Suffering is real. God has the capacity to create. Trauma has the capacity to destroy. The idea of God being powerful and one who intervenes in the circumstances of our lives held up in contrast to unanswered prayer, vulnerable people being abused and exploited, or diseases that progress, ravage, and destroy. Like I said: love/hate.

It may feel completely terrifying to even acknowledge this love/hate relationship with God. It may feel as if you're in mortal danger of losing your soul, of losing your place in God's kingdom, or of falling into deception. But, like every other aspect of life, to pretend these concerns are not important to you, that these questions do not gnaw away at the edges of your soul - is to lie. The fact is, if these contradictions are rattling around in your heart and mind - they're there! God already knows that - it's not like you're going to take God by surprise when you finally explode into a spiritual meltdown because you haven't been honest about your struggles.

I recognize that people from a variety of doctrines and belief systems read this. It is with a great deal of caution and sense of responsibility that I write about such topics as abuse, and certainly about God's role in abuse recovery. I'm sure that up until the day i die, I will still have many more questions than answers, but I want to share a few of my thoughts about the spiritual journey - the quest that you and I are on to help you grapple with these difficult issues. Here is what I know:

1. God is patient, God is love, and God is aware. Keep in mind what Jesus, himself, screamed on the cross when faced with overwhelming betrayal and suffering. In essence he said, "Hey! Where are you? I'm suffering and I can't find you!" Your issues don't take God by surprise. They may take you and everyone else by surprise. They might make everyone around you very uncomfortable, even alarmed - but take a breath. God knows the difference between a seeker and a cynic.

2. God encourages your honesty. You may have to hold back with your pastor, your family, your friends, and maybe even with yourself - but not with God. God's not up in heaven, peering over a cloud with a giant mallet playing "Whack-a-mole" every time you raise troubling issues or questions. Jesus invited people to "Come to him" for any reason, any time (Matthew 11:27-30). Again, your gut-wrenching spiritual howls won't rattle God one bit. They may freak everybody else out (including you!), but God knows the struggle. God knows the path. God knows the truth. God knows the reasons.

3. God is neither a puppet master nor a magician. You aren't under God's control, nor is anyone else. God doesn't pull your strings. Instead, he beckons you to dwell in peace, connect in quiet awe, and wait for illumination. By the way - this is a two way thing. God wants to dwell in peace with you, too. God wants to connect in quiet awe of you, too. God wants to wait with you. The other part of this is that God does not function at the behest of "abra-ka-dabra" prayer. I don't completely understand this. It is a cosmic mystery that unfolds as life goes on, but God's function is not as our personal magician or Santa Claus. This may be the major sticking point that you may have with God. Your expectations are often missing the point of God's role and function in your life. I still haven't formulate all of my ideas on this one - it's still a matter of great meditation and study for me, but the longer I live, the more I realize that my ideas about God are limited, flawed, strained, and obstructed.

So, yes - I love God and yes – I’m very, very upset with God. Yes, I have faith and yes, I doubt. Yes, I follow a moral and ethical code that complies with those of the Bible and yes, I teeter on the brink of unrighteousness. I am a glorious contradiction - just like you!

What makes you so glorious - you must understand - is the fact that you ARE on this roller coaster, you ARE in a tug-of-war with God, and you ARE a seeker and not a cynic. So uncross those arms, take a breath, ask hard questions, and seek, seek, seek. According to Christ, it is only the seekers who find. Only those who make some noise that find their way in. Only those who demand answers that get them. Of course that's my paraphrase with an edge. Jesus put it this way: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" (Matthew 7:7-8).

I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't know when. I DO know there is an insatiable drive within me TO know. Perhaps there is in you too. So ASK, SEEK, and KNOCK. Then pay attention to what unfolds . . . and be patient, grasshopper!




From Sallie:

Can you imagine the terror of being abused? Of course, many of you can.

Now, can you imagine that same terror if you're mentally retarded or physically disabled?

I'm developing a new seminar for abuse survivors with these particular challenges. I'm also developing one for helping professionals that work with them.

Would you like to help fund this kind of research and development? If so, please click here: http://www.committedtofreedom.org/donate.html

I'm in the midst putting on the finishing touches for these seminars. We really need you to be a financial partner to help make this happen. We also need your continued support to develop many more types of seminars and resources!

Expectations

There's an expression you've probably heard before: "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." This colloquialism must have been developed with abuse survivors in mind! Often times, we can be all-or-nothing kinds of people. That "either/or" thinking is sometimes responsible for doing terrible damage to your relationships, your work, and yourself!

Thinking or acting in "either/or" terms is a form of self-protection. Your life experiences taught you to expect betrayal. Expect broken trust. Expect a catastrophe. That's understandable. These expectations are not based on a fantasy, they're based on facts. You were betrayed. Trust was broken. Catastrophes pepper your personal history.

These facts, however, often become a template that you use to measure everything and everyone. A dilemma is created for you because you know how wretched it is to be exploited or hurt. These are lessons that you learned early in life and have possibly been reinforced as you aged. So you become like Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. You activate the force field around you and do everything possible to become impervious to these painful disappointments.

A hyper-vigilant tendency takes over. You're always on guard. Always on patrol. Always expecting things to fall apart, people to abandon you, or life to kick you down. Don't get me wrong. Life - on a good day - is challenging and overwhelming, but if the way you approach that reality is filtered through "either/or" thinking, you could set yourself up for a very difficult existence.

A friend forgets to call or write - you end the friendship. Your children don't quite live up to their potential - you only see their flaws. Your partner doesn't meet all your wants and needs - tenderness and joy leaves you. In fact, many abuse survivors have histories of many, many chaotic, dysfunctional relationships - leaving one person for another then another then another. Leaving one job for another, then another. Walking away from things or people that are important to you because that feels safer than remaining and navigating through the hard (and often uncomfortable) process of working and living together.

I want to clarify that I am not addressing abusive relationships or jobs or schools - you absolutely MUST put up a force field and reconfigure how you function if there's abuse going on. What I am pointing out, however, is that abuse survivors sometimes have a tendency to look at everything as all-or-nothing, either/or, yes/no, or black/white - when it's just not that way. The bathwater may need to be thrown out, the precious things contained in that water might be worth keeping and drying off.

It's Not Surrender

My abuser was an evangelical minister. God, prayer, heaven, and hell were all an integral part of the sexual exploitation perpetrated against me. That connection between abuse and God placed a very deep wedge between me and God for many years. In fact, I spent a substantial part of my youth wanting absolutely nothing to do with God, church, or Christianity. They were all one in the same - in my mind - with abuse and my abuser. As my mental, emotional, and spiritual state deteriorated, I soon recognized I needed something more - but to acknowledge that "something" was God was the equivalent to surrender in my mind. If I reached out to God, if I embraced Christianity - that meant my abuser and the system that my abuser belonged to . . . won! That's how it felt to me, at least.

Research done in 2006 revealed that those who had a strong history of religiosity (measured by consistent church attendance, involvement in church activities, and life-long affiliation with religious groups and practices) made up the highest percentage in a selected population of incarcerated sex offenders. In other words, strong religious ties often translate into a higher likelihood of sexual offenses and other forms of abuse against children. The other disturbing part of this study revealed that this same group also perpetrated against younger children than the other sex offenders who described themselves as atheists or recent converts.

What this means to many abuse survivors is that their abusers were also deeply involved in religious community and spiritual practices. This effectively obstructs your own spiritual pursuits and creates enormous barriers to finding peace through sacred practices - such as prayer, communion, church attendance, or Bible study. In fact, for many abuse survivors, these practices, icons, and symbols bring terror, anxiety, and repulsion because of their association with abuse.

Your spiritual journey beyond abuse must include growing beyond your abusers' defilement of faith, religious community and practices. Your resistance to God's gentle work in your life may have more to do with fear of alliance with your abuser than an actual struggle with faith. What you must understand is that even if you pray the same prayers, read the same Scriptures, attend the same church, believe the same doctrines as your abuser - that has nothing to do with your abuser.

Your faith is YOURS. No one who abused you is the "winner" if the faith you find hope, strength, and comfort in looks and sounds like theirs. The spiritual quest you are on belongs to you and you alone! Even if you abusers smugly take credit for your faith-walk and have the audacity to continue maligning it with their persistent insistence that you are "returning to their fold" - you are not!

To pursue God, to follow Christ, to pray, meditate, sing, fellowship, worship, study, or genuflect in the same ways your abusers did (or do) is NOT - I repeat, NOT - surrender to them in any way, shape, or form! This is YOURS. You must embrace that idea with total confidence. Your path to walk. Your faith to believe. Your rituals to find comfort in. Your prayers to pray. Your songs to sing. Your faith community to belong to. Not theirs - YOURS.

It is not surrender. It is a declarative alliance with the God of comfort, hope, grace, mercy, and love. It is to latch on to the "I am" from the Hebrew Bible and the "I am" from the teachings of Jesus (Exodus 3:14; John 8:58) and join your voice with that identity. To hear yourself say, "I am" and know that has NOTHING to do with your abusers' perversion and EVERYTHING to do with your pure heart that is on a spiritual quest.

It's not surrender. It's conquest – and you are the conqueror.

Angst Fast

Let me begin this by saying that I have spent most of my life addicted to angst. Glorying in negativity. Reveling in what's wrong. One of my greatest struggles was to come to terms with the fact that I honestly wasn't sure I wanted to become healthier. My true rhythm was found in the familiarity of damage and dysfunction. Self-sabotage and depression. I'm not proud to admit this, but I suspect I'm not the only one.

This worldview is understandable. After all, it's easier to expect the worst and not be disappointed than to expect the best and have your hopes and dreams crushed. Abuse is an effective teacher in that sense. When you've experienced exploitation and mistreatment, you come to believe that all the world's a prison and everyone is suspect - even those you love. Like I said - abuse is an effective teacher.

But what would happen if you shifted that worldview? What would happen if you became a positive person instead of a negative one? Please understand - I'm writing this article mainly for myself! I'm asking MYSELF these questions. But it's intriguing to ponder. What would happen if you made a decision to go on an ANGST FAST? Now I'm not suggesting that you go into some kind of magic denial bubble and lose touch with reality. I AM suggesting, however, that you examine how optimistic or pessimistic you are. That you assess how toxic your words and thoughts are to you and others. That you recognize the energy you spend waiting for the other-shoe-to-drop.

I'd like to suggest an experiment for you and me. I'd like to suggest that we go on an ANGST FAST. That we deprive ourselves from negativity, cynicism, bitterness, and irritation for a set amount of time. Be reasonable with yourself. Don't start out by Angst Fasting for a day - start with an hour - or even fifteen minutes! If you've spent your whole life drowning in angst, dysfunction, and bitter depression - you can't go "cold turkey" (or at least most of us can't go cold turkey!). You need to slowly de-tox and celebrate the little successes - be it five minutes or five hours or five days.

For example, this morning I woke up to a full day's schedule, a shortage of funds and energy, and a pounding sinus headache. I found that my "self-talk" was very negative. "I can't do it all! I don't have enough money or energy! My head is killing me - of course!" The negativity was so loud that it started to spill over in how I treated other people. I was irritable and inpatient. It was the perfect cocktail for a disastrous day. So I experimented with this idea of Angst Fast and decided that for the next five minutes, I was going to look at the same picture in a celebratory way. So here's how that translated:"I have some big dreams and visions that are challenging! I can do some things better than others, but I do not have to do it all. I have a headache and need to pay attention to it - so I'll take some sinus headache medicine and lay down if I can. If I am unable to lie down, then I'll try to slow down." Just this tweaking from negative to positive changed how those five minutes worked for me and those around me. Actually, it empowered me.

So here's the challenge: Go on an ANGST FAST! When you find yourself slipping back into the self-wallowing angst you are so familiar with, then simply regroup, take a breath, and give it another try. Don't beat yourself up - just start again. The old Alcoholics Anonymous saying is very appropriate here: "One day at a time." Break it down however you need to - but make a decision to fast from negativity for a few moments. That will grow to a few hours, then days, weeks, months, and years. Who knows, you may Angst Fast for the rest of your life!


Upcoming Seminar:

October 3, 2009 - Beyond Abuse Seminar. Cornerstone Assembly of God. Oxford, CN (USA)

203-881-3232 www.cornerstonect.org

Family Redefined

Family. The word is meant to invoke feelings of warmth, inclusion, safety, and trust. For you, it may mean anything but that.

Do you find yourself grieving for a family you will never have? Do you find yourself so angry because of the toxic events and relationships in your life, that you have no positive expectations about what a family is meant to be?

Jesus recognized that those who are in your trust circle, who are your community or your family, are not necessarily the ones that fulfill your deep longings for warmth, inclusion, and safety. He taught that when your own family feels like strangers, you can find another family (Matthew 12:46-50), a family of choice. Jesus explained the possibility of making choices to find a new community based on the common bonds of faith and shared dreams.

In this second family, a family of choice, there is another opportunity to experience what your heart has always longed for. Inclusion, safety, and trust. Create - creatively create - another family if the one you have has broken your heart.

Normal

Do you ever have that nagging sense that you don't quite fit? That everyone else but you knows what to do, how to interact with others, how to think and feel? I often wondered if there wasn't a neon sign on my forehead that broadcast to the world, "alien life-form, doesn't belong."

A history of childhood abuse leaves many people with these sensations. Because these experiences happen while you're forming ideas about yourself, others, and God - how you interact with life is deeply impacted. Your "normal" was shaped by the abnormal and destructive experiences of abuse. You responded, reacted, coped, and suffered through abuse - an abnormality that no child should have to go through. Even if everyone in your family and neighborhood experienced abuse, there is nothing normal about that. That's not what a child should expect from life - although it is the reality of many children and vulnerable people.

Children learn how to live and behave by imitating others. If those in your world were either abusive, unavailable, or passively responsible - you had models that gave you abnormal examples of how to live. You learned to expect dysfunction, broken trust, exploitation, terror, and stress. That became your "normal."

If these experiences and reactions are your normal - as you grow into an adult, these expectations and reactions grow too. It can create a nagging sense of not being normal, which can last throughout adolescence and well into adulthood. This can exaggerate isolation, fear of rejection, and expectations of being hurt.

As with every other aspect of abuse recovery, awareness is everything. Your discomfort is a substantial obstacle - but you must recognize that it is obvious mostly to you. Others really have no way to know how awkward you feel, how unwelcome you think you are, how untrusting you are, or how abnormal you feel.

Remind yourself of this. If you're not certain what a normal response is, watch how others seem to do so and evaluate if that is appropriate for you and for the situation. Take some time to sift through various aspects of your uncertainty so that you can make better choices. Recognize that you have just as much of a right to live and function as the next person. Don't expect others to give that to you - it's something for you to claim as your own and function in, accordingly.

You are normal - how you coped and responded during the abuse - normal. Normal - just like everyone else who has ever been abused. How you grew your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors after abuse is also normal - under the circumstances. The challenge for you is to make sure that your "normal" is also appropriate and constructive for you and others. “Harm none” - is a way of life that can help to guide you through your questions of normal versus not normal.

Protective Adults

Every time I read about a child who is abused, I become enraged. Saddened - yes - but also enraged. How can an adult do such a thing to a child or vulnerable person? Why did that adult abuse rather than protect? Who protects that child now? Who helps that child to heal? Who nurtures and provides for that child?

These are questions that often have no good answers. The tragic reality is that most children who are abused grow up with wounds unattended, with protection non-existent, and with their foundations for living shattered.

Abused children arrive at adulthood with serious obstacles. Impaired ability to trust. Intimacy problems. Terror of abandonment. Skewed understandings of faith, spirituality, and God. Depression. Food issues. Confusion about sexuality. Rage. Addictions. Anxiety. Fear. These are just a few issues that many abuse survivors struggle with.

Studies show that children who receive immediate help after abuse is disclosed fare much better than those who don't. Children who are believed, sheltered, nurtured, and attended to can move on much better than those who don't. Sadly, most children will never disclose that abuse is taking place. Many are not believed or protected, even if they disclose. Some are even blamed for the abuse, rather than having adult advocates to step in on their behalf. These realities are what make the wounds go so deep in your mind, spirit, and body.

While the journey beyond abuse can feel formidable to an abuse survivor, it is not impossible. The journey beyond abuse leads to making healthier choices about how you live, who you are, and how you interact with both people and God. For this to happen, a fundamental experience must take place. You - the adult - must assume the role of protective, nurturing parent of yourself!

I've said this many times before, but it merits repeating. This isn't fair. The fact that you were abused. The fact that you were wounded. The fact that it's up to you to nurture yourself. None of this is fair. Take a breath. That's the reality. You can kick and scream and fight it, but it still boils down to you making healthy choices to cherish, nurture, and protect yourself. Of course, there are many layers and phases of moving beyond abuse, but at the core is YOU - deciding to treat yourself with the kindness, patience, compassion, and protection that you would offer to an abused child.

Examine how you talk to yourself. Are you kind and patient with that wounded child? Do you let that child make mistakes and then use them as growth opportunities instead of personal annihilation? Do you insist that your unhealthy inner-child eats right, sleeps enough, exercises appropriately, and plays enough? Do you remove that child from toxic people and situations that might cause further harm? Do you introduce that child to a kind and compassionate God who loves and cherishes, rather than condemns and punishes? Do you help that child to explore new relationships that are healthier and more functional? That builds up that child rather than tears down? Do you get that child the help needed? Are you an advocate for yourself?

While there is much debate about whether or not an "inner child" exists, most abuse survivors know that they have something small, terrified, and vulnerable within them that needs attention. If you aren't careful with those broken places, then you run the risk of continuing the legacy of abuse - to yourself, and possibly to other vulnerable people who must depend on you for protection and provision.

From the Front to the Back

What's the difference between denial and moving on? For many abuse survivors, it is very common to either minimize the impact of abuse or to keep it away from their conscious memories, pretending that it never happened. Of course, whether the abuse is extremely severe or minimally severe - the damage always has an impact that can impair your ability to live in a healthy way. When you begin to unpack that damage and begin your abuse recovery, several things must take place.

1. You acknowledge that what happened, really happened.
2. You acknowledge that abuse has damaged how you think about yourself, others, and God.
3. You acknowledge that you need to find answers to help you resolve these issues.
4. You identify (at least to yourself) those who exploited, violated, and abused you. This includes not only the active abusers, but the other individuals who did not or could not protect you.

At the beginning of the abuse recovery process, things can get very intense. It stands to reason that when you awaken the ugliness of abuse, you expend enormous amounts of energy. After all, if you've spent years running, hiding, pretending, ignoring, and compensating, when you suddenly focus on all that you've been avoiding and honestly deal with it, it can completely exhaust you.

Abuse recovery, especially in the early stages, can completely occupy your thoughts. It becomes the centerpiece of how you see, feel, think, believe, and act. That's one reason that counseling is important. To have a skilled person help you with this can be stabilizing and keep you accountable during these intense phases of your journey.

In fact, this intensity is exactly why some people prematurely stop working on their recovery. It simply feels like too much. To some, it may seem easier to go back and pretend everything is normal than to face such overwhelming ugliness, pain, and damage. Of course, the problem with that is the damage doesn't go away. It will resurface with a vengeance at some point, creating more damage or pain. You can count on that.

But there is balance to all of this. Once you face these difficult experiences, memories, realities, and damage, they lose much of their power over you. The secrets are diminished, the pain is acknowledged, the issues are better understood, and the strategies are developed to live in a healthier way. In other words, abuse settles into the background of your life. It no longer takes center-stage. It is part of your history, but it does not have to dominate your future. The scars it left can be navigated around. Healthy choices can replace self-sabotage. Strategies can help you cope with difficult relationships.

The cycle of recovery is most definitely ebb and flow. You will have ups and downs. Intensity and calm. Rage and joy. Mis-steps and victories. But as you continue this journey beyond abuse, your courage to do so will mean that what was once "in your face," occupying all of your energy and vision, has settled into a corner where it will not interfere nearly as much as it used to.